I've known my wife since 1996.  Twenty fucking years this November.  From the beginning I have been open and honest about my sexual attraction to guys.  It's never been an issue between us.  The way I approach all my relationships, I tell you who I am honestly, no games.  Tell you what I like.  What I can accept.  And what I can't accept.  If it's compatible with your list, great.  If not, we shake hands, wish each other luck and move on.

While being with my wife, I have had sex with guys.  One night stands.  Fuck buddies.  Even dated.  But it's always been the guys who have the problem.  Sometimes they can't get it out of their heads and act and believe that I am cheating.  Often they become jealous of my wife.  My wife and I have been together a long time.  We worked on our relationship for years.  Someone I've known for two months can't expect the same type of relationship as with a women I've known 5, 10, or 20 years.

My wife has given relationship advice to guys I've dated.  Almost every time, they ignore it or do the exact opposite.  Than I blow up because they've done something that enrages me.  And attacking my wife is a very bad move.  My wife is capable of defending herself.  She has backed me up in physical fights.  I am not jealous where she is concerned.  She has dated and had sex with other guys.  I know she is with me.  And if there ever comes a time when she doesn't want to be with me, I trust in her honesty, trust that she'll tell me.  I am not a jealous man.  But once, someone I was seeing called my wife a bitch…

So gay?  bi?  I no longer care.  I like what I want to like.  Do what I want to do.  Try not to cause too much damage as I live my life.  You don't like that?  You can fuck off.

And as for stereotypes... I'll wear what I want to wear.  If it's a purple fucking tutu, I'll wear a purple fucking tutu.  I'll dance along to a Bollywood musical.  Scream out the lyrics to a punk song.  Bake some goddamn cookies.  I will not let anyone tell me how to be gay.  I will not let anyone tell me how to be straight.  How to be a "real" man.  I make the decisions for me.  I will live my life the way I want to live it.

@dzirlo:

honey, they're not str8 

When I first wrote the title for this post, I considered putting the word "straight" into quotation marks.  But it didn't feel right.  The three individuals that I initially wrote about all identified themselves as straight.  And I just don't feel as if it's my privilege to deny anyone that right.  The right to identify themselves the way they choose.

This is probably a reflection of my own beliefs concerning sexual orientation.

When I was 17, I saw the world in black in white.  There was straight.  And there was gay.  There was nothing else at all.  And you HAD to belong to one or the other.  Does anyone remember the old racist belief (I hope it's old and outdated) that if you have even one drop of black blood within you than you were not white, you were black.  You were black or you were white.  There was nothing else.  No such thing as multiracial.  One drop of blood, and you were inferior.  At 17, I believed the same thing about sexual orientation.  One incident of sexual attraction toward the same gender made you gay.  Didn't matter how transitory.  There was only gay or straight.  You had to be one or the other.

Reflecting on my own experiences.  Seeing the experiences of those around me.  Listening to them.  Using my own brain to try to understand…  I do not have a college degree.  I am not a scientist.  My conclusions are not based on anything scientific.  Just experiences and my brain.

We are now beginning to understand that gender and gender identity is more complex than just cock or cunt.  I also believe that sexual orientation is much more complex than just gay or straight (even with the inclusion of bisexuality).  I believe that sexual orientation is fluid.  That it can naturally change throughout a person's life.  I also believe that an individual can be attracted primarily to one gender but fall in love with a particular person of a different gender.

I don't know what's in your mind.  I don't know what's in anyone's mind.  I can only make guesses.  To say that I know anyone better than they know themselves strikes me as arrogant.  All I can do is make guesses.

But ultimately when it comes down to it, I DON'T FUCKING CARE.  Gay.  Straight.  Bi.  Cis. Tran.  Metro.  Pansexual.  I just don't care.  Be the person you want to be.  Love the people you want to love.  Do what makes you happy.  Just try not to hurt anyone while you're at it, yeah?  Try not to cause destruction while you live your life.

I did not think of any intention or goal when I started this post.  It was probably more of a rant.  Born of my pain and frustration.  Being treated with such gentleness and affection, and than being pushed away.  Having that affection denied.  It is a story that plays again and again in my life and I don't know why.  And I would like it to stop.

The three men I initially described.  I don't hate them.  Call me a fool, but I honestly believe that they are good men.  Who here hasn't looked within themselves.  And struggled to understand who they were.  Compared themselves to what society, family, friends expect.  I cannot tell anyone who they are.  I can listen.  Answer questions.  Give examples from my own life.

I honestly and sincerely do not care about gender identity or sexual orientation.  I would like for everyone to be happy.  And I would like to be happy too.

@JerodParker:

Just following up but I hope this gets an update, if anything ever happens.

After the night my neighbor whispered in my ear, I have not seen him at all.  Not entering his house.  Not exiting his house.  Not in his yard.  This isn't necessarily unusual.  We do have different schedules.

My wife has seen his wife.  Sometimes we get their mail and my wife takes it over.  Sometimes they borrow things from each other.  Everything is very normal.

His wife is a nice woman from what I've seen.  When we talk, we are friendly towards each other.  She has asked for my recipe for pull pork.  I have asked her for advice about gardening.  But I would say there is a wall between us.  Maybe a coldness.  They have kids.  It wouldn't be the first time that someone thought that I was a threat to their children.  Or maybe I am just a bad influence on her husband.  And she would be absolutely justified in that.

In my early twenties I had a good friend named John.  He liked the same music I liked.  Actually we shared a lot of the same interests.  John had a boyfriend named Steve.  And Steve was… a more "traditional" type of gay guy.  There was never anything sexual between me and John.  He liked young, skinny, hairless, white guys.  Definitely not me.  At that time, I was into older, hairy, daddy types.  Definitely not John.  And as far as I know, Steve never believed that there was anything sexual between me and John.  No problem there.

But Steve was never too pleased whenever I showed up.  John told me so, but I didn't need him to tell me.  When John and I got together, we drank more, danced harder, fought more often.  We were bad influences on each other.  Goddamn, I loved spending time with John.  Drinking.  Playing darts, street hockey.  Going to gigs, dancing in the pit.  All the things Steve hated.

Steve never stopped John from seeing me.  It would have been stupid for him to do so.  I think that it would have made John very angry.  And going out with me, allowed John to do some of the things he loved with a guy who had no sexual interest in him.  But I know that Steve felt dread whenever John and I were together.

And at the time, I didn't care.  I hadn't met my wife yet.  Had never been in a serious relationship.  I couldn't understand what Steve was going through.

I think that I am often a bad influence.

When my neighbor first started coming over, I shared my beer with him.  I knew he liked beer.  One day when he came over, I had no beer.  I offered him whiskey.  Since that day, we drink whiskey when he comes over.  Now, I'm an experienced drunk.  Been drinking since my early teens.  I know how much I need to get me where I want to be.  My neighbor doesn't know his.  When I fill the shot glasses, I fill his 1/3 less than mine.  When he goes to the bathroom, I take an extra shot.  And yet he still gets stumble down drunk.  And I walk him home.

I can understand if his wife doesn't particularly like me.  I think that I am a bad influence on him.  And I can understand if his wife doesn't want him to come over.  If his wife doesn't want me to come over.  And I don't want to interfere with my neighbor's relationship with his wife.

My wife and I are having a Christmas party the week before Christmas Day.  Of course, my neighbor and his wife will be invited.

I'm the only one in my family who is openly queer.  My older brother is transgendered. (He's the eldest.  I'm the youngest.)  But as far as I know, he hasn't told anyone else.  Like others here, I have my suspicions about other family members, but nothing concrete.

I rarely ever walk up to someone and say, "Hi I'm Dag and I'm queer."  But I also do not censor myself.  If I'm in a car with someone and I see someone attractive I will say, "Ooooo, he's cute."  If a co-worker asks which actress I think is hot, I will tell them Russell Tovey.

Most new people assume I'm straight.  But I've almost never told anyone I was queer.  Almost no-one has ever asked ME if I was queer.  But everyone ends up knowing in the end.

But when someone is being homophobic, I have looked people in the eye and told them that I like getting fucked in the ass.

@obras62:

First off, do you need to tell them?

Sometimes we want the people around us to accept us, when they already do/
However, if you want to be open about your sexuality, though I don't know why people have to know, then you need to tell them and then deal with the reactions.
Some will accept, some won't. Ignore those that don't and embrace the others.

@aadam101:

Why do you care?   Why would you even need to discuss your sexuality with co-workers?

Think about it for a second.  Your co-workers talk about their wives and girlfriends.  They talk about what actresses they think are hot.  Their sexuality is an intregal part of who they are.  Why should I censor myself?  To keep myself out of prison, okay that's a good reason.  But because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable?  Fuck em.

The majority of times I've "come out"  has been by answering questions.

Them: You think Beyonce is hot?
Me: Nah
Them:  So who do you think is hot?
Me:  Russell Tovey.  Love his ears.  Just wanna grab him by those freaking ears."
Them: Silence

@brianboru72:

Wow. Thanks for all your thoughts and replying to my comments. I agree with what you've said. There's a lot of pressure to conform to stereotypes- both from straight people and from the gay community itself.

It's utterly ridiculous of course, but sadly it's also human nature for people to want to box you into something they can easily understand. Well,to that I say it's their problem, not yours.

In my country, being gay is automatically connected to wanting to be a woman, and wanting feminine things. Which is ridiculous of course. People- gay or straight- come with many different interests, styles, types etc. You should be free to be the kind of person you want to be- regardless of what others say or think.

As to that good friend of yours- I can only hope he manages to get over his hangups. Life's too short to be caught up for too long in the drama of accepting your sexuality- whether bi, gay or straight or other.

I think that it's the same in the U.S.  Being gay means you are feminine.  I have been accused of "acting" masculine in order to hide my homosexuality.  As if getting fucked up the ass make me a woman.

As for that good friend of mine, I haven't seen him or talked to him in over 10 years.  Not out of anger.  Not because I was trying to punish him.  It just became too painful.  I thought it best just to make a clean break.  I sincerely hope that he is happy.  He is a good man.  Despite the pain I felt.

Hey farkme,

Good point.

@farkme:

You can have sex without a romantic or sexual attraction.
Your neighbour probably sees sex as a domination thing (like dogs not BDSM)

I can see several arguments for it being about dominance.

When I first heard about my neighbor, I figured we were going to come to blows.  I was told he was a homophobe.  A misogynist.  Violent.  A bully.  I figured a physical fight was inevitable.  I guess he had been told about me as well.  And came to the same conclusion.  The first few times we were at the same gatherings, we kept our distance from each other.  And we kept our eyes on each other.  You could almost say like dogs circling each other.  But we never did get into a physical fight.  Instead we started talking.

And that's the second thing that might support a dominance thing.  It became obvious to me that we are a lot alike.  The shit in our childhoods.  Our teen years.  Attitudes.  Philosophies.  Emotions.  It was almost (but not quite) like he was a heterosexual, homophobic, misogynistic version of me.  (Or maybe I'm a queer version of him.)  Anyway, maybe we're too much alike.  And he's got to assert dominance.

But I don't think so.  We've been neighbors for a few years now.  We've talked a lot in that time.  And he's talked about his childhood.  He's been vulnerable.

And just before our last meeting, before that night he whispered in my ear, we were at the same Halloween party.  And so the last time he was at my home, he told me he was watching me at that Halloween party.  He said he admired the way that I stood and walked.  He liked the look of my back and shoulders.

And the last time he was here, the same night he whispered in my ear.  He did something I found curious.  He pledged to protect my wife.  And to defend her honor.  I don't know why he did this.  But it doesn't feel like the actions of a man who is trying to assert dominance over me.

Hey there,  JerodParker.
Thanks for the comments

@JerodParker:

Good answer.  Good job, dude

But I hope you're still available to your neighbor as a friend cuz he's probably in a troubled state right now and does need someone who will listen.  Whatever happens to him, be it he realizes he's bi or it becomes an open marriage or he swings or whatever.

BTW, you're married?  You ended saying you're bisexual but you didn't mention you're married to a woman.  Do you have children?

My home is open to my neighbor.  And when he's ready to come over, I'll be here.  But I really think it should be up to him.  He'll come over when he's ready.  Maybe he'll never be ready.

Yup, I'm married.  Known my wife for 20 years.  Been married about half that.  When we met we hit it off.  She actually hated all men.  Figured all men were rapist.  Thought alcohol made men violent.  I know I fascinated her.  Three months after we first met we moved in together.  Been living as a married couple since then.  During those first 5 years, I asked her to marry me.  Several times.  She always turned me down.  Then I happened to be hospitalized.  I was unconscious when I was wheeled into the emergency room.  Legally, my mom was my next of kin.  Even though we weren't talking, even though we hadn't seen each other in years, she got to make all the medical decisions.  And she excluded my future wife.  Wouldn't even let her come see me.  After I got out of the hospital, she asked me to marry her.

We wanted to have kids.  Tried for years.  Finally went to the doctors.  Found out we were physically incapable of having kids.  It was painful.  Still is.  I think I would have made a good dad.

@dzirlo:

@hhsq:

A little rant here, if I may: I hate when people (most oftenly tops) think that the bottom is not enjoying himself when his dick is limp.

why would u hate it, it could be a concern for your sexual partner.

although i like it, i too am partly worried with a new partner i don't know well that he's not enjoying if it's limp. it could be that. not  necessarily. but it could.

I can understand a lot from visual clues, but it is really important to communicate with your partner.  Top or bottom, if something hurts, is painful, or is something you want to stop, you really need to say that.  I do not want to be a rapist.  If we are having sex and I start sucking your tits.  If you don't like that, you need to tell me to stop.  If I start licking your armpits and you think that it's gross, you need to tell me.  Sometimes visual clues can be misread.

I remember once, I was getting fucked.  It felt so damn good that I started moaning loudly.  The guy fucking me stopped and asked if I was okay.  I remember growling at him, "Don't stop fucking me!"  His conclusion was wrong, but his intentions were good.  Communication even during sex is a good thing.

@JerodParker:

Aw, what happened with the neighbor of yours?

I'd say expand his mind by giving him a taste but… he's married.  So that's a negative there.

I haven't seen my neighbor since that night.  I'm going to let him make the next move.

But I will say, I won't help anyone cheat.  I would not have sex with him unless his wife knows and accepts.  And I have told him as much.  He has asked about open relationships.  And I have told him about polyamory.  He knows where I stand.

I told my wife what happened.  She thinks getting romantically or sexually involved with a closeted neighbor is a road to disaster.  And I am inclined to agree.

And finally, perhaps most importantly.  I don't want to get involved with a closeted guy.  I don't like dishonesty.  Oh, I believe that everyone needs to come out on their own timetable.  But this guy has a wife and kids.  I've met his parents.  I'm not sure I would have the ability to pretend we weren't fucking, let alone the willingness to pretend.

I like this guy as a friend.  I really hope we can remain friends.  But anything sexual just doesn't seem right.