Heartache & Headaches…in a relationship destined to last a lifetime
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A few months away from 35 years in a relationship destined to last a lifetime–what once was all the joy in looking forward to sharing so many wonderful years together, has now become gloom in looking ahead to the much too quickly approaching time when there won’t be any moments shared together.
Sometime in the last 8 years or so is when I recall first hearing him projecting how much time he had--6 years.
Strange or not, I never gave any real or serious thoughts to a time when he would no longer be there, always instead seeing that as being too far ahead to think about--more, that thinking about it was depressing enough.
Over the years that projected number whittled down to 2 years--a countdown that started a couple of years ago. Hearing that is when I started listening.
Soon thereafter I began witnessing things, and seeing things–changes in physical mobility--things that jarred me, realizing these things were not going to go away, and more likely just the first of many changes to come.
About a week ago, the plural “years” was replaced, and the first mention of the singular “year”–which brought about a new sense of urgency and action…
A reality that I still find difficult to believe--I’ll be joining him at his next appointment with his doctor. Along with health details and issues, I plan to address, and hopefully settle the matters regarding power of attorney, and my rights (or lack thereof) as a non-family member.
Bobby is the only reason I’m in such a dream relationship. My many needs and wants fulfilled. Outside of asking, the only thing required of me is to provide the details to Bobby, who then makes it all happen!
Liking to think that I’m one who looks at the positives first, assessing any negatives later, I now see the consequences of blindly living my catered life. Knowing that there is no "money tree" keeping things afloat, and behind it all is the constant and ongoing processing of expenses, assets–all of that other junk that I haven’t dealt with in years, and never anything on the level of that which Bobby deals with.
I am aware of the existence of things such numerous accounts, debts, assets, property titles, etc.–but clueless as to what needs doing, regarding them.
With quite a bit at stake in this empire he’s worked hard to build, intended to cover me to the end, pointing out where he’s stashed the “living trust” stuff is far short of all I need to know, and there’s definitely a whole lot more he’ll have to pass on to me. (As for the “living trust”--I couldn’t say with 100% certainty that I know where it is at this very moment…or what I’m supposed to do with it!)
In closing, and not settled on the specific topic of this post, or its point--outside of sharing a little bit more about us, it would be great to get an idea of what needs to be done, what possibly to expect, or anything else others might have experienced, or even just thought, looking at a relationship approaching its twilight.
More bits and previous forum topics and posts…
My “Live and Die Guy”
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=45569.msg241254#msg241254
Re: How old are you and your partner?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=30415.msg215561#msg215561
Re: How old are you?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=28066.msg215541#msg215541
Re: Why doesn't anyone post face pics? Picture of Me.
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=33429.msg245434#msg245434
...and mine
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=46195.msg245433#msg245433
Re: Oldest guy you've had sex with?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=35785.msg252446#msg252446
Re: Any guy here who is actually close to his father?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=45002.msg237028#msg237028
Re: Older/Younger relationships, do they survive?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=47082.msg252099#msg252099
Re: Do you cut your own hair or have it professionally done?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=43089.msg237713#msg237713
Poll: Discrimination--Abuse and You
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=46788.msg249427#msg249427
What's your country's national anthem?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=44916.msg235754#msg235754
“Ideal” Height to Weight Proportion
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=46707.msg248764#msg248764
...your alma mater?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=44387.msg231269#msg231269
Hi there! How’s the weather?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=43243.msg224107#msg224107
Your car…
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=41445.msg214105#msg214105
Some “simple” things I’ve never been able to do.
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=46753.msg249092#msg249092
Who’s your favorite pro baseball team?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=44047.msg229156#msg229156
Re: will you marry your partner in the future?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=36874.msg234888#msg234888
Re: What body modifications do you have?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=1775.msg214213#msg214213
Re: Do you like or dislike tattoos?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=42316.msg235820#msg235820
Re: What type of job do you have guys?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=33055.msg217186#msg217186
Re: Your dream job?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=40802.msg211690#msg211690
Re: Favorite NFL Team
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=43906.msg228866#msg228866
Re: you don't have to explain just say yes or no
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=45525.msg240841#msg240841
Re: Have You Ever Cheated On Someone?
https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=42780.msg221438#msg221438
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My best wishes to you both.
If you were lucky enough to find THE love of your life, I bet knowing that you have to let him go in some way or another is pretty painful. And I understand you refusing to acknowledge how the time together was becoming shorter. But the important thing is that you enjoyed it, and he enjoyed it too.
Now, since Bobby seemed to be the provider in the relationship, is your turn to step up and show him that you will be fine by yourself when he leaves. I bet he's worried of what will become of you once he's gone, demonstrate him you will be strong so he can feel at ease and focus in enjoying the remaining time he has with you.
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My best wishes to you both.
If you were lucky enough to find THE love of your life, I bet knowing that you have to let him go in some way or another is pretty painful. And I understand you refusing to acknowledge how the time together was becoming shorter. But the important thing is that you enjoyed it, and he enjoyed it too.
Now, since Bobby seemed to be the provider in the relationship, is your turn to step up and show him that you will be fine by yourself when he leaves. I bet he's worried of what will become of you once he's gone, demonstrate him you will be strong so he can feel at ease and focus in enjoying the remaining time he has with you.
Wow!
Eridanos…thank you so much for your words and thoughts.
Not only moving–a deep sigh, exhaling a shuddering breath as I read them--but also very helpful in pointing out some very important things to keep in mind, which, up until now, hadn’t even crossed my mind!
Thank you again.
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…I’ll be joining him at his next appointment with his doctor. Along with health details and issues, I plan to address, and hopefully settle the matters regarding power of attorney, and my rights (or lack thereof) as a non-family member.
That appointment is later this month.
I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions as to what other things should be discussed.
Have you had to deal with something similar?
Is it something that you will probably face in the future? How prepared are you? ???
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I admire the strength and longevity of your relationship- it's so rare to hear of a love that lasts to the very end these days. I'm sorry to hear that things are coming to this stage now. There's never enough time.
To share my limited experience with you- drawn from the final year of a very close Uncle who fought and lost a battle with cancer. I spent some time visiting him at the hospital, and also keeping my Aunt company as she handled all the things that you're facing now. It was easier for her in a sense since they were married, and they had no legal hurdles to face.
Those last few visits- I remember the hardest part for her was putting up a brave face. She knew he was worried about her, but she did her best to show him she would be fine, that he shouldn't worry. There were also questions of where he wanted to die- in the hospital fighting to the end, or at home, where he would give up treatment and just focus on quality of time he had left. They chose the latter, and I think it was the right choice.
Those last months they dealt with transferring ownership to her of certain properties that he held, as well as turning over control of their joint accounts and placing it in her name. They made sure that titles and deeds to land were placed in her name by using the legal loophole (I'm not sure it's the same over there) of "selling" it to her for a token amount, which allowed them to bypass the high cost of inheritance taxes. He also reviewed his will with a lawyer, making sure that all his wishes would be followed and there wouldn't be any headaches from unpaid taxes or outstanding debts that would bother her after he passed away.
Another painful but necessary step that I helped her with- was making arrangements for burial. He wanted to be cremated so that's what we arranged for- including choosing a nice urn and deciding where to hold the wake.
All of this, as you can expect, was both physically and emotionally draining- but she made it by drawing on reserves of strength which surprised even herself, and also, from the network of friends and relatives (like me) who were ready to pitch in to help in any way she needed. I hope you have some friends and family who you can lean on in the times to come, and more importantly- as my Aunt later told me- you can draw on all the good times- the happy memories you share together- to see you through the sadness and to make peace with the end when it finally comes.
I hope this helps Ellis. I wish both of you all the best, and may your time together fill you with the strength to carry on after he's gone.
Oh and most importantly- congratulations on a relationship spanning 35 years! That's something priceless that can never be taken from either of you. :hug:
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As someone older in a relationship with someone (22 yrs) younger, I worry about this day arriving for us as well. I know that I'll be gone long before he is, and that has inspired me to start making sure now that he will be financially and emotionally prepared. Thank you for sharing this with us, and congratulations on your long, loving relationship. It's an inspiration to us all.
