My fourth fiancé who's HIV POS and I'm dead scared he is going to pass away like my other 3 POS husband's before him. I love him so much I don't think I could live without him!
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All my life, since I came out, I never thought I'd get married to a man. I'm HIV neg and I've never had an issue with HIV POS men. I've been married 3 times to HIV POS men ALL whom I had LOVED with ALL my heart. But today I suffer with bipolar disorder with anxiety and PTSD watching my husband's suffer their pain during their last days of the passing. I am not one of those men that are attracted to suffering people, I fall in love with the heart of a person not the ego and it just happens that the men I fall in love with are somehow HIV POS.
My current fiancé is HIV POS and I can not get enough of him, I am so dead scared of loosing him that some nights I don't sleep, I just lie next to him staring at him, looking at how beautiful he is sleeping and how lucky I am to have him in my life. Then I find tears falling from my eyes onto my pillow and my heart beating fast scared of loosing just that moment with him, so I put my hand on his chest to feel his heart beating and I whisper to him how much I love him and then I tuck into him for hours while he is still sleeping listening to his breath and feeling his heart against my hand. I am so scared of losing him and I don't know how to tell him. He knows of my previous POS husbands and he has seen my wedding photos of them as I have one of each of them on my wall in our house.
With first husband I've learnt it's all about the memories, so with my second, third and now current partner we travel, go out on picnics, visit family, walk the dogs, visit friends, go on long beach walks, hikes etc, but to tell you the truth, I sob my heart out even thinking about it now just with my deceased husbands because even though those moments were so beautiful and magical I can never have them back again. And with my current fiancé I try to do things differently, to make new memories and not repeat the old ones otherwise it depresses me. But knowing one day he will succumb to his disease
. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, and most of my days with my fiance I don't... I am just so happy that if he goes I'd rather then just end my life as well.Sorry for the deep read here guys
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@Dremric At the current state this post is much more of a vent than anything that could be discussed further. You could provide more detailed information like yours and your husband's ages, what year each of your past partners have passed, how long they all (including your current husband) have been living with HIV, etc.
None of that information is important to speculate on how long is your husband's going to live, but rather to have a better understanding of how likely things were to turn out as they did with the previous partners.
I mean, being married three times and having your three husbands dying from the same condition, for as unfortunate as it is, it's possible, and it's a hell of a way to get PTSD and other pshychological disorders and to create an expectation bias where you'll assume that your husband will die from HIV, and the next, and the one after, etc.
With modern drugs, supposing one have lived with HIV unaware of it for years, it's still possible to revert it to a state where the condition is controlled, manageable and, most importantly, safe. It takes less than 6 months to reduce super high HIV levels to an undetectable state.
As you yourself know your partner's status, he likely knows it since way before you met, so it's safe to assume he's taking care of it. It might don't even look like it, as you don't need to visit your doctor every month, doing it twice a year is more than enough for most positive people.
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@Dremric I thought that as long as POS people took their medication, it was not life threatening. I knew of one young guy who refused to take his medication, and died.
