In my 20s, never been kissed, never had sex
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Hi guys, like in the tittle, i'm in my 20s i've never kissed anybody, boy or girl, and by that i've never had sex either. I know that i'm gay, i feel attracted by men, but nowadays there are so many subjects in this world that always makes me back down on some of my attitudes towards having any kind of physical contact with men.
First of all i wanna point somethings about me
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i used to be fat, lost like 70lbs (never stepped foot in a gym), now i'm super skinny, but i have some stretch marks and a little bit flaccidity, things that i wanna fix…
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i look twink-ish, and that's not the common gay type that i see on dating apps nor night clubs, i'm always misunderstood by a teenager while people at my age look like "grown men", which i find more attractive
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i don't have a big one, it's pretty average, and by talking with some of my friends i noticed that size it's important, especially if it's a one night stand thing, and i'm not looking for a relationship
That said, i honestly feel that i don't fit any gay preferences, i'm not skinny and fit, i'm not buffed, i'm not hung, it's funny to think that almost everything that i quoted are about appearances, because like attracts like seems a law in the gay world, i'm having a hard time trying to overcome all of my fauls and finally be with someone cause i'm affraid of the judgement i may receive by not reaching any standards. There's anything you guys can say or advise me? (I know it sounds very sentimental, sorry for that)
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Well I would advice you to just be yourself and forget about all the so called types you seem to be hung up on. Just go out and meet guys and let them meet you, not a type, quit worrying about not being hung (after nursing for over 20 years believe me while there are some really hung guys out there the majority are just average… so don't think about it). I would suspect you are still dealing with issues from when you were over-weight.. forget about them and just be YOU!
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I made a tiny amount of sexual experience in a very young age, an after that: the void.
When I was in my 19 I felt exactly like you.I used to met some guys (from some not that beautiful to some heartbeating),
but no one ever took me.
A day I settled it down realising it was me.
I was insecure and I considered myself a lil ugly.There's place for literally everyone, after all the world is ginormous.
Do not forget that appearance counts, but the character can count even more.
If you want to obtain something, you just have to realise what you're really into and get it.My way has been to enlist and start fucking like a, well you got it:
I shook myself with that, but in practise it may be something else for you.After realising the need to train my body as a way to respect myself and my partner,
now I am proudly a down to earth hunk with a "crazy" past needed to make my experiences.After a period (half a decade) I calmed down,
and now I enjoy my half between a slipper and a kiss in our "boring(but not so boring)" routine.So have good luck and enjoy the trip !
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Hi, I'll talk about my experiences, maybe it will give you some help ;).
I'm an average guy, I was never fat, my body have the tendency of being slim, I know a lot of people would love to have a body that can get slim easilly, but there's the catch I like bears, so my concept of beauty is different from the common and specially from what I look, so I always had insecurities about myself and my body. For some time I though I had to put on some weight and try to reach my "beauty pattern", but you know my body doesn't allow that. But with time I realized that's a stupid way of thinking, I found out that there are people that found me attractive, and that made me feel better about myself, better about my body, and made me accept more who I am.
I was 23 when I kissed/had sex for the first time, I believe for gay men is common to have their first experiences after their 20's I think mostly because of insecurities about your own sexuality, being afraid to come out. One day I was coming back home on the train, and I saw a guy looking at me (I don't really know if he was actually looking at me, but still, hehe), and that was the day I realized that I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't stand being afraid of my sexuality, of meeting someone, of coming out, everything. I was really sad, I don't know how many times I cried on the shower because I was alone, because I though nobody would ever like me. I know what you are going through, because it also happened to me, and happens to most people.
So that day I decided, I created an account on a dating app, and from there on things changed. I started receiving messages from other people, other people who found me attractive, and that made me feel good. From there on I had my first sex experience, my second one and many more, and ended up finding a boyfriend at the end of all that :cheers:.
My point is, those insecurities are common, but because of them we are afraid to go after what we want, and instead of trying we let the insecurities take over and create things that aren't true, and make us unhappy. You have to overcome them and go for it, go for what you really want.
And in my experience, yes people care about appearance, it's important, but it's not as bad as you think it is, people think you have to have a model body to be liked to be accepted, and in my experience it's not like that, really, people have different tastes, different opinions, so you'll always find someone who finds you attractive. Now about cock size, although we hear a lot, but really size doesn't matter that much, unless it's really really small, you'll have no problems with it, and at least in my opinion I prefer a medium sized that a huge one. It depends on the person there are people who are size queens, but again, it's your insecurities talking again.
I don't know if I could express myself the bet way possible, hehe. But my message is, we create a lot of conceptions in our head because of our insecurities, we hear a lot of stuff that scares us, but in the end they aren't true. Don't be afraid of being yourself, of loving your body even if it isn't your concept of beauty, of looking for someone. I wish you all the best and I hope I could help you somehow :D.
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i think ur still young, and have the time to work on whatever you feel like working on.
ur wrong for putting so much pressure on yourself, but ur wright for perceiving that there are some rules and regulations for the brains and for the looks.
that being said, hit the gym, which is compulsory if ur gay, unfortunately for us who don't like working out, but have to accommodate to societal standards. but, also for us never satisfied with our bodies, soon u will not want to stop.
also try to thicken ur skin a bit by putting yourself out there and confronting ur fears, it's a tool you can't go without in life. face the rejection and see for yourself that it's nothing, and that enlightenment will come with a great reward.
but above all, learn not to judge yourself, even if someone else does. everything is one step at a time.
also, hit the gym. ok bye.
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Thank you so much for the replies, it makes me feel much less problematic, i'm gonna take in consideration several things that i've read and i'm hoping that i can put in practice. There's so much i need to learn about me relating to other ppl and by reading your comments made me realize that maybe isn't a 7 headed monster.
I keep wondering if i'll be able to not pretend to be someone else in order to please others, i have done that for a long time, losing weight for instance wasn't much of a choice, i set in my head that i needed to be skinny and after my weight loss felt like nothing has changed, didn't made feel less or more good-looking to myself. We tend to forget who we really are in this entire process just to massage our egos with some compliments, which i think are never enough.
In the sizes matter, personally, it's not a problem, i mean… I don't really care if guys are hung or not, but i'm always concerned about mine "will it be enough?" i keep questioning. I'm open about this to some of my straight friends (and they get it better than the gay ones), just because i keep hearing over and over again things like "had a date last night, he was so big, it was amazing" and i keep thinking "are you serious?", it's never about sexual tension or having a good time, it's about the best piece of meat you can get in the market, which i'm not part of it. I must have the worst bunch of gay friends around me.
I'm glad we could talk a bit, i know that you guys ain't no psychologists and maybe ain't got time for this, but i'm grateful.:poorthing:
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I keep wondering if i'll be able to not pretend to be someone else in order to please others, i have done that for a long time, losing weight for instance wasn't much of a choice, i set in my head that i needed to be skinny and after my weight loss felt like nothing has changed, didn't made feel less or more good-looking to myself. We tend to forget who we really are in this entire process just to massage our egos with some compliments, which i think are never enough.
I'd just like to answer this clearly- YES! You can and should reach a point where you stop pretending to be someone else and just BE YOURSELF. That's the only way you can have a meaningful relationship that is more than just a random hookup.
Many of the things you worry about- size/looks/weight etc. are the things which matter most when making random hookups. But if you really want a relationship- then you have to show your true self and find someone who likes you for who you really are. We've all got insecurities to deal with, and it's a good idea to build your confidence while putting yourself out there.
You will face rejection and that's fine. Pick yourself up and try again. We all go through that because in the end, finding that special someone is worth all the pain of rejection.
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Everyone starts out at different times and rates. And the great aspect about the gay community is that there is no one definition of attractive. The 'universal' idea of a muscle jock being hot isn't always the case in our community.
Some guys like chubbier or otter like. Just go out there and don't feel to self conscious!
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Some are old and some are young, some are small and some are hung. In spite of what you may have heard, not everyone wants a gym bunny. A rugged logger with a beard making it with a hairy stud trucker is some people's idea of incendiary. Others prefer to fuck with a shaved homunculus or a twink with just enough hair so you can tell they've hit puberty. That's just the way life is.
Sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they repel. I know a fat old man who was seduced by a handsome young fireman less than half his age who thought the geezer was unbelievably hot and could not imagine how anyone could pass him up. And the hero by trade could have been in a nude calendar, so some people like chubs and sometimes chubs like chubs, but if you check out the pick-up adverts for twinks looking for "older" they might be setting the upper limit at 30. In time, you may learn the hard way how ridiculous that is.
You are who you are and might as well get used to it. Clark Gable had big ears and so does Russell Tovey. That doesn't mean they didn't get all the action they wanted. You may think those stretch marks are an abomination, but if that is your only problem you are in fine shape.
Get yrself clean and presentable (no smell-good!) as if going on a date, then hit the bars. Pretend yr teetotal and the beer is only a prop; you want to be relaxed, but not so relaxed you wake up under a table somewhere. Your purpose in going to the bar is to hang out. To get familiar with it. What is the crowd like at Happy Hour and who's there later? Who's there at Last Call?
Different bars have different crowds. Maybe the guests at one leather bar are interchangeable with those at another, but maybe not. Tell yourself you are NOT there to pick up someone or to get picked up, but to become familiar with the scene, to meet people, have conversations, have a good time. With no pressure for any sexual result, you might get a hookup, but if not, you still might have a good time and find people who enjoy being around you (and you around them) without knowing you have a small dick or a fear you are too fat/thin/whatever.
One attractive and popular man I know used to go to bars for conversation and dancing and fun. After having spent some time with a stranger he said he was going to mingle and the other dude was surprised. You mean you're just here to talk? That's right, and my friend moved on, spreading the pleasure of his company, so to speak.
Psychiatrist Albert Ellis was legendary for his overt advocacy of sex of all kinds (voluntary participation only, of course) and in all circumstances, from swinging to cheating to seducing virgins, for which he makes a good case. His discourses on why masturbation is a Great thing that is fun, good for you, and makes the world a better place fits right in with his notion that marriage should not be a limitation on "putting it about." Yes, he thought homos were awful– because they restrict themselves too much in choice of partners-- but eventually got over that so he gets a pass from me. That's in case something is holding you back from giving yourself permission to shoot great gouts of sperm with a partner or three.
Beyond inhibitions, there is self-esteem and being yourself. Quentin Crisp is the master there, and hilarious to boot. He advocates being as intensely yourself as possible. If you are boring, he says, make yourself a shining beacon and the most famously boring person in the country. Go with your strengths. Or, as someone else has said, let your vices support you.
Virgins on dating sites are v popular. Lots of people are quite genuinely willing to do their best to bring out such a person, carefully attend to their wants and needs and show them the ropes, tell them the terminology, give them the, uh, lay of the land. It is entirely appropriate in such a case as a gay-curious virgin to spend lots of time in correspondence asking questions and being encouraged, even after announcing that he is only exploring and not looking for a quick hookup.
You can meet a lot of friendly people that way who are quite nice and helpful and not because they want to be the first one to suck your cock, though that is pretty thrilling, at least for some people. Others, of course, are not interested in "children" who are still in school, but only in what the sitcom theme song calls "men, men, men, men, manly men."
You may think heavily inked street people are outrageous sex machines awash in a world of carnal knowledge and activity. You may equally think those who are clean cut like some All-American prom king / football hero / toothpaste model is exactly perfect. Whatever you want, someone exactly like that wants You and just needs the opportunity to say so.
Going to bars or gyms (esp. those who attract gay men), joining a gay club for sports or any other interest you share gets you out there where you can be invited to brunch after a long, exciting night of working up an appetite. If you don't have a dating ap or go where gays are likely to be found, if you don't join a dating site and instead sit around counting yr flaws instead of relabeling each one a "feature," likely you won't get yr ashes hauled any time soon.
Without going into any details, I can tell you honestly that if I could have sex with women and men when I was still young, pig-ignorant, and terrified that anyone might suspect I ever had any kind of sexual thought at all, then you with all your pent-up horniness, yr growing awareness and acceptance of having untapped lust to spare can definitely manage it, and probably about as soon as you decide to stop resisting being the sex machine you are inside all those doubts.
Also, since I date back before there was gay porn (see other threads about the days before VHS when even physique magazines with hunks in posing straps could get you busted by the US Post Office), I can tell you that now that it is easy to see naked men with naked dicks rock hard and firing off with the manpower of Roman candles and holiday fireworks, you already know more about sucking and fucking and what goes where than most of my generation did at that age, when there were no such images available to the average hormone-addled adolescent wanking over mental images of classmates.
You can get dildos by mail to practice with, if that's yr interest. You can get fuckable sleeves almost as good as the real thing, for further practice. I found it helpful when I wanted to overcome my terrors and inhibition, to say out loud and then write down exactly what I wanted to do. Then I might burn the paper, or these days just delete the pixels, but it was liberating for me to DARE to say aloud, to write down something as simple as "I want to suck a cock and swallow a load." It felt as if the sky would fall for such obscenity and audacity.
Sometimes when first going out, I would write down a message in case I should not make it back. "I'm going out to a gay bar in order to find a man to suck me off." Lots of fear and trembling behind allowing myself to admit what I really wanted, but until I could tell myself that, there was no way it was gonna happen.
However, I'm here to tell you that it sure did, and once again, if someone as backwards and clueless as I was can have sex -- and sometimes with the visual equivalent of centerfolds -- so can you. Speaking up here in this forum is definitely a sign that you are beginning to find yourself ready.
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WOW
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I didn't get it on with a guy till I was 23 - I was just too damn self conscious before that. But don't get too hung up on not meeting some picky physical standard. (1) you're probably more attractive than you think, (2) attractiveness is subjective anyway, whatever you look like, there's guaranteed to be many guys out there who are into to it, (3) plenty of people of all looks and shapes have sex, many of whom are way more unattractive than you are, so it's no real barrier. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen for you, but don't be afraid to take the plunge. If I was in Scotland I might try to help you out, hehe
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I think things like this tend to wait for the right moment, time and person. I didn't get off with anyone exactly until I was 23, and now I'm 25. You'll get your time soon. Just don't worry about not having sex in your 20s, there's more to live by than just sex, mind you
I used to be like you, worried that I don't fit in any gays' interests since I was, and still am, highly unattractive if I do say so myself. I am a twink, I tried to be fat and at least, fit looking until I realize there will be someone… more. Better and all. Always. Sure, physical appearance is crucial, at least in our youth, that's what our eyes mostly land on upon first encounter. But in the end, I think personality is the one I eventually pay higher attention to. So I stop worrying about my appearance that much, even though most gays might found me unattractive. Those days are over by now since I've found a person who accepts me for who I am.
And we didn't immediately have sex after we agreed to go out. We just take things slow and steady and let it flows. You'll see and experience it yourself... don't worry
