It haunts me.

My partner and I were on the Anthem in March of 2017 to celebrate my partner's birthday and our wedding anniversary. On the third or fourth day, it was time to experience the North Star, a ball that would take one up to give a thrilling view of the ship and the sea.

There was not a long wait, and it was staffed by different young men, one at the entrance, one at the spiral staircase, and a couple at the landing where one waits to get into the ball.

Upon entering the landing, I was grabbed violently by a pair of eyes that blocked everything else out. Could not move, could not breathe, could not see anything else. The only thing that calmed me down was realizing that he was in the same predicament, and that it was not just me.

Neither one of us could break free. We wanted to break free as we were on Earth somewhere and not supposed to be here like this, but we could not. Our eyes danced at each other's eyes trying to find an escape. His eyebrows went from wonderment to worry.

We finally did break free, with no idea of how much time had passed. I looked at him to see that he was breathing hard too. I looked around to find my partner and to hold on tight. Did not dare to look his way again, not at that moment.

What the fuck just happened? It was not sex, it was not love at first sight, it was nothing . . . and yet, it was everything and everything else.

We did run into each other several times when he was on breaks during that trip. I found out his name was Nick, and I let him know I'm Ricky. We're both bisexual, and we're both in relationships. He's more than twenty years younger than me. Neither one of us talked about what happened, but there was an undeniable tone of sadness.

My partner thinks Nick may have been a soulmate or a love in a past life. Both of us are atheists, but does it invalidate possibilities like that?

Conversations on Facebook were rare, as working at sea neither affords one easy nor cheap access. When we did communicate, we kept it short.

On a later trip in November of 2019, we were on the Grandeur to celebrate my birthday, and Nick was working on that ship. To both our relief and yet to our sadness, there was not that lock on reality to throw us out of the universe.

On one of the excursions, he went out with several team members to have fun which included jumping off a cliff into the water. He hurt his lower back, and it was obviously hard for him to work when he returned. His pain made him withdraw somewhat.

Weeks later, he disappeared from all of his social media accounts. Some time afterwards, he was on television with his girlfriend, to talk about how Covid-19 was affecting crew members who could not get home. He looked better, and he grew a beard. They both smiled and laughed while talking with the reporter.

That's the last I've seen of him. I wanted him to be OK, and it looks like he is.

I'm still haunted by this, but I treasure it.

He's back.

bi4smooth

@bc22

That's a nice story... I think we all (at least those of us with a few years behind us) have ones that got away..

Mine was a guy named Aubrey that I met online (back then it was AOL!) and we met up in DC, where I was working short stints from time to time. He was amazing... and I fell in love (I was in my late 20's). Sadly, he was young and dumb and full of cum: aka he wasn't ready to settle down with just one guy. And with HIV, and my generally conservative behavior, I wasn't into that much play.

He and I were polar opposites - which is partly why we were so attractive to each other:

He eventually worked in the DC area as a drag queen
I met his parents once (who were totally not OK with him being gay! They're Asian.)
He disappeared - from work, home, everywhere - once, for over a week! I almost lost my job because I spent all of my time at work searching for him: calling (by phone) or chatting online with mutual friends (LOL, I couldn't tell you the names of a single one of them, now!), searching the sites he liked (this is WAY before MySpace, much less Facebook!), I even spoke to the police in NOVA about it ... I was so worried about him! Like I said, I nearly lost my job over it! (To be honest, I think I did lose my mind over it, at the time!)
He later moved to NYC and continued his career (drag), and even started his own beauty line there.
I took him to Boston with me on a business trip once - he wanted to see Boston, and I wanted to see him! Plus, it was his birthday Unfortunately, the trip was mostly a bust: there was quite a bit of snow (and I wasn't comfortable driving in the snow - remember, I grew up and lived in Florida!), and the work location was quite a ways outside of Boston - so we couldn't go to the gay bars, or really do much of anything. He was bored out of his skull most of the time, and I couldn't blame him. I offered to make it up by flying him to Fla for a week, but he would never do it.
The last time I actually laid eyes on him was ca. 1999 - I had a 6-month job in Richmond, VA and he had moved back to DC. I loved seeing him, but it was only once. He didn't seem nearly as happy to see me, though I was thrilled to see him! I later found where he was performing (drag) and attended a few of his shows (driving up from Richmond), but he never saw me in the audience - or if he did, he never reacted... and I didn't have the courage to go up to him there. In my mind, he had made up his mind, and rejected me. (I wasn't as self-reliant or emotionally strong back then)...

I managed to exchange a few brief comments with him via Linked-In several years ago, but he's gone dark since then...

I often think of my tangy and how my life might have been different if he'd chosen to be with me (I offered!)... I wouldn't trade my life today - I adore my children (well, on most days I do!)... But as with others in my past, I still love him!

You have a knack for strong recall and expression. I think it's good to have memories to be wistful about, and to perhaps end up being stronger for making better choices for others in our lives.

My partner knows of and about Nick, and when I said he's back, right away my partner said he's the one that hurt his back? That might not be the first thing I would remember about Nick, but at least he's not forgotten.

He's not gotten away exactly, we have not or could not have chosen each other. Had we both been uncommitted, I can't say for certain what paths were available, as I have often decided not to chose others, and for the most part, I do not know why, or do not want to acknowledge why.

My partner and I are until death do us part. We do find joy in being able to share somewhat similar tastes in men, their looks, and their sexiness, even though we have quite different perspectives. My daydreams are homoromantic, while my partner's daydreams cover a much wider range.

Just glad to see Nick alive on my Friends list again. It will have to take an incredible series of chances for the three of us to be in the same space again. My partner knows exactly where I will stand, and so do I.

In a world of endless possibilities, our choices define us.

bi4smooth

@bc22

Thanks - I like to write (can't you tell?)

It wasn't that long ago that I was about to be married... David was an amazing man, my soulmate! He could read me like a 1st Grade Reader! He could tell by the slightest, softest sigh whether I was upset, tired, or whatever. He taught me more about myself and love than I ever thought possible. I miss him still.

I wrote above about Aubrey - a guy I loved from 30 years ago (or thereabouts)... David passed away in 2017. We had only been together for 3 years. I feel cheated when I think about how short our time together was.But I feel blessed every time I see his face and think of the time we did have...

When I was with David, there wasn't another human being on the planet I'd have actually left him for - not even for a moment! (I say actually because we playfully had our hall pass celebrities: a celebrity that, if just for one day we could "have", we'd be allowed to - with no questions asked! It was just a game - and one of many we played with each other [not about cheating - just games - we're both playful])...

If Aubrey were to reach out to me today, well, honestly I'd be open to seeing where things went - but more than that, I'd just like to know how his life has been for the past 3 decades! (I've always lived my life and relationships "in the present" - no expectations!)

Had it come up when David was still alive, there's no chance I'd have even contacted Aubrey, or responded to him if he contacted me... it would have risked hurting David, or even making him question my love and devotion to him - and I wouldn't have risked that! (David knew about Aubrey - I shared everything with him, and he was eager to know about my past.)

It's been over 3 years since David's passing. His picture is still in my bathroom. I still talk to him most days. I still masturbate to memories of him. I still fall asleep dreaming of him. I still reach for him some mornings as I awaken.

The pain of his loss is still very real - I'm tearing up just as I write this!

Can't post the link to the newscast that Nick is in, nor post a picture of him, nothing at all because that would be doxxing someone I do not have a relationship with - this forum is open to the public.

Instead, I'll share an old side-by-side picture of Tom and I (expired: ask me if you want to see it) holding up little pets that Mom and my step-father gave us. We wanted baby ones, but turns out they were of the same gender (ironic?).

Tom was my first love, choice, and relationship. We met only because we had the same last name in the place we both lived at the time, and the landlord was the one to easily explain why our mail was getting mixed up.

The first time I laid eyes on him, I said to myself he's mine. Only if I could have been right for longer than two and a half years. Mom and my step-father was supportive of us, but other family members that were homophobic were not. Did he marry you and change his last name? Giggle, giggle.

Near the end of our relationship, we decided to leave Ohio and head for the gay part of San Francisco. Sold our stuff, got our cash together, and failed to save at least one piece of paper to come up with a plan. We will be welcome there! Nobody will bother us! We'll get jobs and do what we want!

San Francisco was too expensive, and we did not fare well as either tourists or job seekers. We flew to Los Angeles, only to find pretty much more of the same, just dirtier. With our dwindling resources, we bought backpacks and started to head south. Had to hop a bus to get past a military installation. Has this started to sound like we had a plan yet?

Nights got quite cold, but he would just hug me tighter. We laughed often as we walked. There were campgrounds here and there. The beaches had cold showers. There was Oceanside, and then there was Carlsbad. Then there was a huge mistake. We secured our backpacks behind a bin, and split up to again look for a job and also to get some food.

I ended up in the back of a police car within minutes. My crime? Jaywalking.

The first jail was overcrowded. So was the second. My panic increased as we headed further inland to the third jail. That one had space, and that is where I was booked before joining a crowd of men just in time to eat a sandwich of two slices of bread and once slice of bologna. I remember one guy in flashy clothes screaming into the phone trying to get the other party to believe that he was there on a charge of, no less, jaywalking.

After being released on my own recognizance the next day, I had to ask which direction the ocean was. Turns out I had to ask that question often. I was a lot further away than I could have guessed. It took me several days and kindnesses of strangers to get back to the spot where I last saw Tom.

He's not there, but my backpack is. There is a letter in there. For the first time, there was a plan on a piece of paper.

Ricky I can't find you, and nobody will tell me where you are. I am going to keep heading south, please find me and if you find this I love you

Something broke.

I remember railroad tracks and soup kitchens.

Made it back to Ohio, thanks to my sister-in-law, the wife of my homophobic older brother. She bought me a bus ticket. The journey took nearly four days. I was in a fog for a long time, but I survived.

Found out many years later that not only did Tom survive, but he made it back to Ohio as well. Googling his name and date of birth showed he had rented a place in Columbus, Ohio at one point. That brought me a huge sense of relief. To this day, further searches prove to be fruitless. I just want to tell him I'm sorry.

It was a long time before I would even have a one-night stand. Refused to meet up with anyone that would be considered handsome in my opinion, rationalizing it as if they are that good looking, they might have STDs because they probably have sex more often. Ending up finding out geeky nervous guys are great in bed and are handsome in their own right.

My first love, my first haunt.

That "something broke" must be something I never got over, and it's changed my trajectory and affected my choices.

Life is too short as it is.

Can see where I projected my sadness with Nick, and looking back I must have done that with other potential friends and mates as well. Everything I say and feel is from my perspective. Can we say damaged goods yet?

But that's not exactly fair . . . just by being alive and having someone now, that is more fortunate than a vast number of human beings.

Posted a trimmed version on Reddit, and that is the version my partner read. Now the different bits and parts told over the years make sense.

My partner had two words for me.

FIND HIM

bi4smooth

@bc22 said in It haunts me.:

Posted a trimmed version on Reddit, and that is the version my partner read. Now the different bits and parts told over the years make sense.

My partner had two words for me.

FIND HIM

It sounds like you have a great partner who is mature enough not to be threatened by this.

Congrats for that, at least!

It's slow going, but found three addresses for Tom in Xenia, Ohio during the years 1992 to 1998.