Entering the closet for the first time
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I was never in the closet because I had the internet when I was 12. Was out all through high school and university. I moved to a new place and decided not to tell anyone that I was gay, and talk the talk. Well I'm a lot happier now, have the friends that I wish I had when I was out. Potential topics related to be being gay or my sex life rarely ever comes up. I'm kind of wondering if this whole coming out thing is way overstated and just for people who lied about who they were initially. Of course, one could argue that maybe I'm just deeply repressed or some other sociological bullshit… but that argument is always made against anyone who doesn't fit the cookiecutter image.
I don't expect many positive responses to this because the idea of being happy in the closet is anathema in the gay community. But I would like for other people who are moving (and aren't a fem) to try this out and see if you get a similar experience to me.
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The "closet" is such a lame metaphor. To me, one's private life is exactly that, private. If you don't ask, I won't tell. If someone asks me my sexuality, I am completely honest. I don't see anything wrong with not arriving to a place and announcing your gay to the world.
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Whether or not to advertise your sexual preference is a purely personal thing, of course. I think the real test though would be how you'd respond if someone assumed you were straight, or outright asked you. Would you correct them or tell them you're gay?
As long as you're harming nobody - and it clearly sounds as though you're not doing so - there's nothing wrong with keeping your orientation private.
Being out however, has positive benefits for others. For 10 years, I taught, and was out. I'm typically thought to be joking when I come out to people. I don't fit the fem stereotype, so I could easily have been closeted. Instead, I was able to present a positive, confident, professional, successful role model for gay students and was able to counsel quite a few of them on various issues they were facing. In that circumstance, being out was right for me and a positive for many of those I taught. I also make close friends with a colleague and became a family friend. He husband was at the time a senior police officer. She confided in me once that her husband told her that knowing me - the first out gay man he'd known - had completely changed his attitudes towards gays. I'd put the person to what was before, just a label.
Bottom line. Do what works for you, but bear in mind, being in the closet misses the chance to increase visibility and so misses the chance to help others on their journey.
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Whether or not to advertise your sexual preference is a purely personal thing, of course. I think the real test though would be how you'd respond if someone assumed you were straight, or outright asked you. Would you correct them or tell them you're gay?
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That's a good question..
:blink:
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Be free
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Whether or not to advertise your sexual preference is a purely personal thing, of course. I think the real test though would be how you'd respond if someone assumed you were straight, or outright asked you. Would you correct them or tell them you're gay?
Couldn't agree more!
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When I was younger I kinda felt like I needed to tell everyone, and it was also a strategy to find out those who would talk behind my back and those who would back me. I think letting people know you're gay as soon as you meet them has an advantage: they won't be disappointed in you (when they find out) and you won't be disappointed if some of your "friends" treat you differently from that moment on.
Now I tell only those to whom my sexuality may concern. Anyway, once I'm not so used to doing that anymore, when I feel like it's the right time to open up, I get somewhat ashamed and flinch a bit. I think it's important that you bear in mind that once you came out of the closet you must never come back in. Just deliberate if shame or fear had something to do with those times you kept you sexuality private. I mention that because sometimes a random subject comes up and I have to decide between lying or being honest. Ex: A friend that I'd just met and thus didn't know I'm gay thought I was flirting with a girl. He asked me if that was true 'cause he was interested in her. I could've just told him it wasn't, but I realized the context was right and that he deserved a better answer, so I also told him I'm not into girls. Now and then straight guys ask me what I think of a certain woman's tits. Either I'm evasive (and not completely honest) or I explain that tits are not my thing. I believe those brief coming out moments are a nice practice to make sure my self-acceptance is doing fine. I don't have to scream at the top of my lungs that I'm gay all the time, but I don't have a hard time saying it when it's needed, either.
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I'm a lot happier now, have the friends that I wish I had when I was out
What do you mean by that?
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I am forced to stay in the closet because homosexuality is illegal in my country. And everytime I tried to test the waters with my family, they react very badly and make it very clear they would disown their son if they ever had a gay one.
It's great that you are happy but keep in mind you had the choice first.