Any guy here who is actually close to his father ?
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I am close to my dad and he was supportive of me when I came out, I feel so lucky and blessed!
Right on.
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_Although I'm closer to my mother, my dad and I get along well when he was still alive. Even when I was younger, he knew I am gay and it's not an issue with him but my mischievousness was
I used to bring my gay highschool friends (then later my college friends) in my house during weekends and it's fine by him._
Cool.
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I was really close to my Dad right up until he passed. We had a very good relationship…
Nice.
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Hello Everyone! First time poster here….
This subject resonates deeply with me because my relationship with my father is the cornerstone of the degree of wisdom I've gained in this lifetime. Well, that's because I've survived my relationship with him, and was able to gain some understanding of how forgiveness is essential to forming a healthy gay subjectivity.
My father passed away recently. He was a fundamentalist christian, and a very cruel man. Some of my first memories are of him molesting me as a child, and later on hating me for being gay. I recalll the beatings like they were yesterday. But I know now that you can forgive people because they don't know any better, but that does not mean that you have to let them continue to hurt you. To this day I don't tolerate religious fundamentalism in my life. My rule is that if you subscribe to a system of belief that discriminates and advocates violence toward me, you are out of my life.
I did not bother to see him before he died, nor did I attend his funeral, because not only was he viciously homophobic, but so was the rest of his family. So my "shocking and outrageous" decision not to participate in his funeral has had the added bonus of ensuring that the rest of his family will now stop trying to contact me.
I once heard Dan Savage say on his amazing podcast that we gay people need to start making the homophobes fear losing us by being prepared to delete them from our lives when they don't add anything positive to our lives. I totally agree with this. But the pre-requisite for this is for each of us to consciously recognise that what a precious gift being gay is. Once we free ourselves from the prison of buying into the idea that we lack something that heterosexuals have, then we can recognise how truly amazing being a gay man is.
So I grew up despising my father, and he really really deserved it, he died weeping in regret for what he'd done to me, but he was never man enough to ever seek to heal our relationship.
What I have also learned from this relationship is that in this life, nobody knows us more intimately than our victims. They are the ones who know the darkness in our souls. And nobody has more power over you than the one you have hurt the most.
What must it have been like for him to look at me as I grew up, knowing what he was doing to me every night and then seeing me as a grown man, never knowing when I would fight back? And, believe me, when I finally fought back in order to protect my younger sister from him, it was epic - as though I was possessed by an avenging angel or something. But the main lesson I learned from my relationship with him is not only how necessary (and difficult, though worth the effort) it is for us to learn to love ourselves enough to defend ourselves from weak bullying heterosexuals, but also how much more amazing we become as gay men when we love ourselves.
The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????
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The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????
Thanks for sharing your story with us and I'm glad you're in a good place now
about your question I do believe the more you survive tough times the more you respect yourself -
it's weird that a lot of gay guys i know are not close to their fathers (or are closer to their mothers). same thing with me. i mean, i would change it if i could and be closer and nicer to him but we're like polar opposites in our convictions but similar in our attitudes, like we're both stubborn and unyielding.
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Being gay is both biologically and environmentally predisposed. So both your anatomy and your surroundings contribute. It has been noted that in gays a part of the preoptic nucleus of the hypothalamus (a part of your 'brain') is bigger than in straight fellas.
My dad was always very absent, so I was always closer to my mom. I liked playing with dolls and hanged out with mostly girls, so my dad, being from the military, was always very passively reproachful towards me. I came out this year - I'm 23 y.o. - and my dad threatened to kill me, said I should start eating with plastic dishes so that I didn't spread any diseases to the rest of the family (he gave me oral herpes when I was like 3, so lol). So yeah, I hate him ofc.
My boyfriend's dad is, on the other hand, his best friend. They go on trips together, watch movies etc.
To each his own, but there's definitely a pattern.
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I was very close to my father. We had similar interests and shared them. Once he knew I was gay, it took him a while to accept it, but both he and my mother did. I loved him very much.
He died without any warning on Christmas Eve 2001. I had spoken to him the day before on the phone of what my mom and he were going to be doing; they were to have travelled after the holiday. Things in my life started to go very bad for me after his death – and I have only just started to recover this year.
I no longer can enjoy Christmas and I have come to loath the time between the USA Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. I do my best to avoid anything related to these holidays, but since they saturate American culture it is extremely difficult to do.
I developed chronic depression and panic disorders several years before my Dad died, so the entire month of December is basically a misery to me.
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I was very close to my father. We had similar interests and shared them. Once he knew I was gay, it took him a while to accept it, but both he and my mother did. I loved him very much.
He died without any warning on Christmas Eve 2001. I had spoken to him the day before on the phone of what my mom and he were going to be doing; they were to have travelled after the holiday. Things in my life started to go very bad for me after his death – and I have only just started to recover this year.
I no longer can enjoy Christmas and I have come to loath the time between the USA Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. I do my best to avoid anything related to these holidays, but since they saturate American culture it is extremely difficult to do.
I developed chronic depression and panic disorders several years before my Dad died, so the entire month of December is basically a misery to me.
. . .
Very moving…I'm sorry to know how this time of year affects you, but still wish you the best in getting through it.
Take care.
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I can't say I was never close to my dad. Seems like I was on my own path and for some reason we never saw each other.
Not that he didn't try but I was way too rebellious to let that happen.
I eventually became closer to my mother.
But when my mother got sick with cancer I had to go spend some time with my dad (a few months) before she passed away.
We had a lot of time to spend and we got to know each other. I realise I never really knew him.
The reason we butt heads was because we were both a lot alike.
It's been about 2 1/2 years since my mother has passed and we talk on the phone every day.
We've become super close and for an old guy he's a great guy.
I love my dad :love: -
I can't say I was never close to my dad. Seems like I was on my own path and for some reason we never saw each other.
Not that he didn't try but I was way too rebellious to let that happen.
I eventually became closer to my mother.
But when my mother got sick with cancer I had to go spend some time with my dad (a few months) before she passed away.
We had a lot of time to spend and we got to know each other. I realise I never really knew him.
The reason we butt heads was because we were both a lot alike.
It's been about 2 1/2 years since my mother has passed and we talk on the phone every day.
We've become super close and for an old guy he's a great guy.
I love my dad :love:
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I have a close and good relationship with my father.
It is funny in a way though, he is very conservative and makes rude comments about gays all the time, though he apologizes to me and my boyfriend saying that we aren't like those others.
His wife, not my mom, always hits him when he makes the comments.
He has always been supportive and loving to me and mine.I guess it depends on both parties not just one side.
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well my father is technically still alive although I can't wait for him to die though the old b**** is 70, rich and can't seem to die soon like my grand father who is around 90, smoked and drank all his life and was never sick. I wouldn't like to die before this guy. My mom died when I was like 15 and he hated her. she died because of him. When I was like 23 I already wasn't talking to him for years ( I left home at 17 for college) he wrote me a letter on my birthday to tell me that well I'm not his son anymore and that's it. I never prosecuted him for making him to pay for my food and stuff because I thought my mom wouldn't like that. But I regret. I couldn't eat every day while he was getting around 15 000 euros/month . When he'll die I wont get a dime because he disowned me. Still earth will be a better place without him.
For some life's not a joy ride. trust me ;D -
well my father is technically still alive although I can't wait for him to die though the old b**** is 70, rich and can't seem to die soon like my grand father who is around 90, smoked and drank all his life and was never sick. I wouldn't like to die before this guy. My mom died when I was like 15 and he hated her. she died because of him. When I was like 23 I already wasn't talking to him for years ( I left home at 17 for college) he wrote me a letter on my birthday to tell me that well I'm not his son anymore and that's it. I never prosecuted him for making him to pay for my food and stuff because I thought my mom wouldn't like that. But I regret. I couldn't eat every day while he was getting around 15 000 euros/month . When he'll die I wont get a dime because he disowned me. Still earth will be a better place without him.
For some life's not a joy ride. trust me ;DMine is 70 too and still have energy to bitch about me all the time! I'm pretty sure mom will die first and he'll be around for decades. always the fuckers stick around ::)
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my father is so kind man we r good friends
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I have been forgiven him when he was gone. I think may be he is not so bad, I just don't understand him and his family. so I really missed him sometimes.
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I have a good relationship with my father.
He and his wife know my bf and don't have any problems with me or him.
It is funny though, he is an ultraconservative and doesn't like 'gays' as he puts it but he accepts me and mine.His wife keeps him in line occasionally; we we're in Vina del mar, Chile and he saw a group of gay guys and made a bad comment, his wife hit him hard and said be respectful of your son. He commented that his son was okay he just didn't care for other people being gay.
I accept him as he accepts me.
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Oh… where to start... basically a case of 'money fixes all', I was the kid which parents like to scream at each others faces... I to this day don't get how my mother been betrayed, annoyed and insulted, still keeps on that pretense of marriage... I got 'presents' not hugs or a kind word when I needed one... an excellent in a maths test or science class, that would be silence nothing else, they were always the superior ones... Me having bad grades? Oh we could not have that! Me being depressed, detatched and socially borderline? We could not have that! A case of 'just bare with it' mother and a 'pretend you are better' father, and a deafening where do we go from here question that haunts me on-and-on thanks to that upbringing.
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nope never have been
