Was this guy date raped? He isn't sure…
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I’ve never been in a situation where I thought I could be raped,” H. Alan Scott (pictured) writes in a blog post published on the Huffington Post. “I’m a big guy, strong, how could I be raped? Until the moment when my legs were in the air, totally vulnerable, looking into the eyes of a man insistent on fucking me, did I ponder, Am I in danger?”
Scott details how he first met the guy online a year earlier. They exchanged a few “sexy texts,” but it wasn’t until they were matched on Tinder that they finally agreed to meet in person.“I had intended on staying in, but got that Friday night itch to go out,” he writes. “We had been texting, so I mentioned dinner. Two hours later, we met at a restaurant near my apartment.”
“During the dinner I told myself, Don’t invite him over. I didn’t feel that sexual spark. He was attractive, but not exactly doing it for me,” he continues. “Still, I studied him, thinking about if I could actually have sex with him. As we walked post-dinner, my brain was saying, ‘Don’t do it,’ while my mouth said, ‘Wanna come over?'”
So they went back to his apartment. One thing led to another and pretty soon they were naked in bed together. All the while, Scott kept wondering, “Why did I invite him over? I wasn’t lonely. I honestly just wanted dinner.”“Ten minutes into casual foreplay,” he writes. “I noticed his obvious intention to penetrate. I said, ‘Not tonight.’ I could tell he was disappointed, so I continued, ‘I don’t usually start with that. It takes me a while to bottom, to get comfortable.’ This is where I should have said, I guess we’re not a match, it was lovely knowing you. Unfortunately, I didn’t.”
The man, Scott says, became “more dominant.”“[N]ot exactly physical,” he says, “but contorting me into positions that were difficult for me to get out of. I’d say again, ‘Not tonight, it’s not going to happen’ … But he’d push harder, no lubrication, as I’d attempt to wiggle my way out of his hold.”
Scott began to wonder if he was in danger.“My legs were in the air, he had my arms gripped down, I was locked in,” he writes. “I felt trapped and a little scared … I knew I didn’t like it, I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean. Then, as he pushed harder, I felt that rush of pain, and panicked.”
Then all of a sudden, the guy yelped out in pain.“My cat, Frasier, had bit his foot,” Scott writes.
He had been saved by a feline.
The man let go, then cracked a joke about how Scott wasn’t hard anymore.“Sorry,” he replied, “rape is basically a boner-kill for me.”
Sadly, this sort of thing is not uncommon in the gay community. Earlier this year, a 34-year-old Canadian man in Philadelphia for an education conference was sexually assaulted at gunpoint by a man he met on Grindr. And that’s just one of many incidents in which online hookups have gone too far.“Sexual violence against men isn’t unheard of, just not talked about,” Scott writes. “In a National Crime Victimization Survey, of 40,000 households questioned about rape and sexual violence, 38 percent of the incidents were against men.”
“Gay or straight,” he continues, “sexual violence against men does happen. As I came to learn, it’s the grey area of is this assault or just harmless aggressive behavior? is where the confusion begins.”
http://www.queerty.com/was-this-guy-date-raped-or-not-he-isnt-sure-20141023
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From reading the story it doesn't sound like rape, but it sounds like sexual assault.
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Although he was uncomfortable he definitely told the guy he consented.. Until he said no to penetration. If you say no but he continues, it's rape. That's it. That's all. Strong guys can be raped too. How unfortunate for him.
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I’ve never been in a situation where I thought I could be raped,” H. Alan Scott (pictured) writes in a blog post published on the Huffington Post. “I’m a big guy, strong, how could I be raped? Until the moment when my legs were in the air, totally vulnerable, looking into the eyes of a man insistent on fucking me, did I ponder, Am I in danger?”
Scott details how he first met the guy online a year earlier. They exchanged a few “sexy texts,” but it wasn’t until they were matched on Tinder that they finally agreed to meet in person.“I had intended on staying in, but got that Friday night itch to go out,” he writes. “We had been texting, so I mentioned dinner. Two hours later, we met at a restaurant near my apartment.”
“During the dinner I told myself, Don’t invite him over. I didn’t feel that sexual spark. He was attractive, but not exactly doing it for me,” he continues. “Still, I studied him, thinking about if I could actually have sex with him. As we walked post-dinner, my brain was saying, ‘Don’t do it,’ while my mouth said, ‘Wanna come over?'”
So they went back to his apartment. One thing led to another and pretty soon they were naked in bed together. All the while, Scott kept wondering, “Why did I invite him over? I wasn’t lonely. I honestly just wanted dinner.”“Ten minutes into casual foreplay,” he writes. “I noticed his obvious intention to penetrate. I said, ‘Not tonight.’ I could tell he was disappointed, so I continued, ‘I don’t usually start with that. It takes me a while to bottom, to get comfortable.’ This is where I should have said, I guess we’re not a match, it was lovely knowing you. Unfortunately, I didn’t.”
The man, Scott says, became “more dominant.”“[N]ot exactly physical,” he says, “but contorting me into positions that were difficult for me to get out of. I’d say again, ‘Not tonight, it’s not going to happen’ … But he’d push harder, no lubrication, as I’d attempt to wiggle my way out of his hold.”
Scott began to wonder if he was in danger.“My legs were in the air, he had my arms gripped down, I was locked in,” he writes. “I felt trapped and a little scared … I knew I didn’t like it, I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean. Then, as he pushed harder, I felt that rush of pain, and panicked.”
Then all of a sudden, the guy yelped out in pain.“My cat, Frasier, had bit his foot,” Scott writes.
He had been saved by a feline.
The man let go, then cracked a joke about how Scott wasn’t hard anymore.“Sorry,” he replied, “rape is basically a boner-kill for me.”
Sadly, this sort of thing is not uncommon in the gay community. Earlier this year, a 34-year-old Canadian man in Philadelphia for an education conference was sexually assaulted at gunpoint by a man he met on Grindr. And that’s just one of many incidents in which online hookups have gone too far.“Sexual violence against men isn’t unheard of, just not talked about,” Scott writes. “In a National Crime Victimization Survey, of 40,000 households questioned about rape and sexual violence, 38 percent of the incidents were against men.”
“Gay or straight,” he continues, “sexual violence against men does happen. As I came to learn, it’s the grey area of is this assault or just harmless aggressive behavior? is where the confusion begins.”
http://www.queerty.com/was-this-guy-date-raped-or-not-he-isnt-sure-20141023
This is a thorny issue. In this case he did say no, so continuing would be an act of assault and rape. The line between fantasy and reality can be blurred in these situations - especially what one expects in casual sex, and how one expects the other person to act. I think the lesson we can take from this is that one shouldn't bring someone back for sex just because one feels obligated. I certainly have had pity sex with other people that I certainly regret - but I blame myself for that.
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I think the lesson we can take from this is that one shouldn't bring someone back for sex just because one feels obligated. I certainly have had pity sex with other people that I certainly regret - but I blame myself for that.
My thoughts exactly. If you don't want it you won't do it, unless forced to. And in that case he didn't seem actualy forced to do anything.
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Was this rape I would say no. He didn't end the night all he did was say not tonight I usually don't bottom on the first night. This leaves an opening for the other guy to work for it, to get him horny and wanting more. Now the whole position thing was this the other guy trying to be in control as a top or as a rapist its hard to say. Now was the victim a victim …. Well first of he obviously wanted or felt obligated to do something sexual however if he knew going in he didn't want to be penetrated thats something you start with online or when you get home. Setting out a list of hard NOs is a good and safe practice and makes situations like this much less ambiguous. As to the lack of boner thing some will likely bring up I personally and I know others who bottom especially if its on a rare occasion who will enjoy it without getting hard.
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From reading the story it doesn't sound like rape, but it sounds like sexual assault.
i kinda agree on that one.
besides, who says "i didn't want to be mean?"
if someone was attempting to rape me, or do anything i didn't want… mean would be the last thing on my mind... -
Its a terrible thing that it happened but at least he spoke up!
Its definitely making me think twice about those silly apps. -
With a line like "I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean.", that makes me think there wasn't an explicit "No, please stop.", which there needed to be if you didn't want it to happen. Things like "I don’t usually start with that. It takes me a while to bottom, to get comfortable" and "Not tonight, it’s not going to happen" aren't clear enough for the guy to know you really don't want it to happen. IMHO.
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One thing that happened to me for about 18 months ago, I've been taking to many beers with my friend and we where leaving. Outside we met two drag queens and we starts to talk. My friend went to the tram and they asks me if I would like to hang out with them at a strip and video club, I have been there before and knew it was a bit shabby but I have never felt a hostile atmosphere in there…
There are only female stripper but they have a floor with video booths, some dark room areas and place where you can hang. It is not that big and rarely crowded. There was a guy flirting with me and he asked me to join him, he was cute and I was charmed. He leads me to one off the smaller dark rooms and I hesitate an say that I would prefer a video booth. I didn't plan to have sex with him, at least not now, I don't find it like a big turn on to have sex in a place like that, it feels to artificial and awkward for me. My plan was just to make out with him and maybe drag him home later...
But he don't wan't to go in to a video booth, so I go back to the drag queens I came with. They give me a beer. I see the other guy passing by and looking at me, we aren't a lot of people there...
I am drunk and feels like it is time to go home, but what the hell, let's go and check for this guy just once. He has went back to the entrance to the dark room and when he sees me he walks in. I follow him inside, which I shouldn't done. I am waiting in the dark for my eyes to adapt, and a guy comes toward me and start to touch my chest and I did the same to him, then I hear two other guys on my left and right side. It is too dark so I can't see if it is the guy on my left side. I am trying to say hi but gets no replies. I stop feeling comfortable with the situation, but still like I have control. At least I thought, I asked the guy who was trying to get his hand down my pants to stop and wait until I have can see anything in the dark. He doesn't so I turn around...
Here is where I start to understand this is not about sex any longer, the two other guys open my belt and unzip my pants and I hear how they take things from my pockets, my cellphone and creditcard, I later discovered. The other guy is trying to penetrate me. I just freeze, cause it went so fast from the moment where I thought I was in control till I wasn't.
The two guys are blocking my ways, the have their hands on my shoulders and makes me bend over more, they are not violent but I know if I am trying to do anything they will try to keep me there. I am standing against the wall and I feel how the other guy is fucking me but I have just turned everything off and thinking that I hope it is over quick. And it was cause I hear him breath more heavily and then he pulls out and he zips his pants and the guys letting me go and I felt down on the floor against the wall. The guys are leaving while they are laughing and I only got a glimpse of their backs.
I rise and pull up my pants. Then I go to the toilet, there is no paper so I will have to use old used ones from the trashcan to clean most of his sperm. I washed my hands before I want back to the others I came there with, I hadn't really gripped what had happened. I waited for about ten minutes and I left the club and went home. That is all in a blur, the only thing I remember is that I must put my underwear in a plastic bag so they can take DNA if that would be necessary... Very CSI of me though.
Next day I was frustrated, angry, sad and blamed myself for getting drunk and go in to a dark room after a guy, for not making any strictly verbal or physical protests, for just being so stupid. I might have frozen when it happened but if I would met the guy that day or the following months I would probably killed him.I did a STD test after six months and that was negative, that was a relief. I went back to the club once just to feel that I could put it behind me. But in this months I can count how many times I've had sex on my fingers... I am eating medication against anxious.
So do I consider that I was raped? I am not sure, I walked in to that dark room by free force, I did put myself in a dangerous situation, that is not an excuse for those guy to rob and rape me. But I have thought a lot about where is the line between being a victim for the circumstance and your own personal responsibility...
With that said, no I don't think he was raped. He wrote an article about it in the Huffington Post, if that was the case, he got away easy... This is the first time I ever written this down and one of the reason is that I am writing it in my second language which makes it more distant for me and less real. Having low self esteem is not being raped or being sexual assault. The only abuse he have had is what he is doing to him self... And that thought have been on my mind too, did I let myself get in this position, can I be that self destructive? -
So sorry to hear that happened to you! Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully talking about it helps you move past it and get on with your life.
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it' simple: No is NO.
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it' simple: No is NO.
And to add: You can say NO whenever even in the middle of sex. Consent is given throughout Sex not just at the beginning
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a guys goes to a backroom and he's shocked that guys there only want to fuck him.. seriously dude.. backroom, darkroom are made for sex with strangers. if that's not your thing just dont go there. as simple as that..
concerning the OP: .. you met a guy from " tinder" , and you ask him to "come over" after dinner..dude.. what do you think would happen…. sure one should stop if the other guy says "no" but dont put yourself in that kind of situation. It's obvious you dont know what you want in the first place. -
One thing that happened to me for about 18 months ago, I've been taking to many beers with my friend and we where leaving. Outside we met two drag queens and we starts to talk. My friend went to the tram and they asks me if I would like to hang out with them at a strip and video club, I have been there before and knew it was a bit shabby but I have never felt a hostile atmosphere in there…
There are only female stripper but they have a floor with video booths, some dark room areas and place where you can hang. It is not that big and rarely crowded. There was a guy flirting with me and he asked me to join him, he was cute and I was charmed. He leads me to one off the smaller dark rooms and I hesitate an say that I would prefer a video booth. I didn't plan to have sex with him, at least not now, I don't find it like a big turn on to have sex in a place like that, it feels to artificial and awkward for me. My plan was just to make out with him and maybe drag him home later...
But he don't wan't to go in to a video booth, so I go back to the drag queens I came with. They give me a beer. I see the other guy passing by and looking at me, we aren't a lot of people there...
I am drunk and feels like it is time to go home, but what the hell, let's go and check for this guy just once. He has went back to the entrance to the dark room and when he sees me he walks in. I follow him inside, which I shouldn't done. I am waiting in the dark for my eyes to adapt, and a guy comes toward me and start to touch my chest and I did the same to him, then I hear two other guys on my left and right side. It is too dark so I can't see if it is the guy on my left side. I am trying to say hi but gets no replies. I stop feeling comfortable with the situation, but still like I have control. At least I thought, I asked the guy who was trying to get his hand down my pants to stop and wait until I have can see anything in the dark. He doesn't so I turn around...
Here is where I start to understand this is not about sex any longer, the two other guys open my belt and unzip my pants and I hear how they take things from my pockets, my cellphone and creditcard, I later discovered. The other guy is trying to penetrate me. I just freeze, cause it went so fast from the moment where I thought I was in control till I wasn't.
The two guys are blocking my ways, the have their hands on my shoulders and makes me bend over more, they are not violent but I know if I am trying to do anything they will try to keep me there. I am standing against the wall and I feel how the other guy is fucking me but I have just turned everything off and thinking that I hope it is over quick. And it was cause I hear him breath more heavily and then he pulls out and he zips his pants and the guys letting me go and I felt down on the floor against the wall. The guys are leaving while they are laughing and I only got a glimpse of their backs.
I rise and pull up my pants. Then I go to the toilet, there is no paper so I will have to use old used ones from the trashcan to clean most of his sperm. I washed my hands before I want back to the others I came there with, I hadn't really gripped what had happened. I waited for about ten minutes and I left the club and went home. That is all in a blur, the only thing I remember is that I must put my underwear in a plastic bag so they can take DNA if that would be necessary... Very CSI of me though.
Next day I was frustrated, angry, sad and blamed myself for getting drunk and go in to a dark room after a guy, for not making any strictly verbal or physical protests, for just being so stupid. I might have frozen when it happened but if I would met the guy that day or the following months I would probably killed him.I did a STD test after six months and that was negative, that was a relief. I went back to the club once just to feel that I could put it behind me. But in this months I can count how many times I've had sex on my fingers... I am eating medication against anxious.
So do I consider that I was raped? I am not sure, I walked in to that dark room by free force, I did put myself in a dangerous situation, that is not an excuse for those guy to rob and rape me. But I have thought a lot about where is the line between being a victim for the circumstance and your own personal responsibility...
With that said, no I don't think he was raped. He wrote an article about it in the Huffington Post, if that was the case, he got away easy... This is the first time I ever written this down and one of the reason is that I am writing it in my second language which makes it more distant for me and less real. Having low self esteem is not being raped or being sexual assault. The only abuse he have had is what he is doing to him self... And that thought have been on my mind too, did I let myself get in this position, can I be that self destructive?Of course you were raped. There were two of them and they robbed you during.
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I do not think so that the guy was raped because he participated in some sort of sexual activity willingly. I guess he was so nice and did not say 'No' to the top guy. It could be that his mind was saying something while the heart was saying the other. Obviously the top guy wanted some fun sex and to fuck so he would have forced himself out of excitement. At the same time, the bottom guy should have forced him to stop but it didn't happen.
For instance, once I was with a guy and I haven't had sex for a long time. I wanted to try out with this guy. He fucked me in some positions. It was very painful generally all the time. I kind of made a decision on my mind then that "I seriously would not like to get fucked again" and "I am not made for anal"… Although I did not like being fucked at that time as it was painful most of the time but I did not ask him to STOP. I knew that he was enjoying fucking me, so I just took the pain..
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The intro article sounds like the author didn't appreciate that the other guy 'got dominant'. But he let him have his way anyway, because it was easier to just go along with it.
More a maturity issue than anything else.
