Crush on my student… Help me.. What should I do?
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I'm a lecturer in a university in Indonesia (note this first… Haha). Now, I have a crush on a student whom I'm teaching. He's a little bit shorter than me, but he's muscular (I know from his FB profile and his big chest). Luckily, he's single. But the problem is:
1. I don't know if he's gay. I want to ask him about that, but I'm afraid making him uncomfortable.
2. I just want to tell him that I like him.
3. More importantly, I still want to be professional, like usual student-lecturer relationship (because I don't want to get caught.. Hehehe).What do you think, people? What should I do?
Really appreciate your advice
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This one is a no-brainer.
Leave the student alone. That or you can quit your job and attempt to pursue the student…. which as a former teacher I would say is in bad taste.There are more people in the world than your class... exercise some self control....
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I totally agree with what JupiterJazz has said. Things could get ugly if you approached student in that respect. Also there is a fear of loss of your credibility if he shared this information amongst his friends and peers or complained to authorities, it can cause some trouble while changing jobs. If you really want to approach him do that without being a teacher, but I would strongly advise against it. There are more fish in the bowl than what meets the eye.
Also make sure you don't ogle at him during your lectures.
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JupiterJazz nailed it on the head. As a college professor, there have been many students over the years that I found attractive, but what separates us from the beasts is that we can CHOOSE to act in respectful and professional manner. Stay away from him, and look for someone outside the university to get you rocks off with.
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Thanks guys for your advice. I thought my case would end up like a scene in game "Coming Out On Top" in which the student kisses the lecturer…. Hahaha
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Oh, halo
ahem
yeah, I'm with the others. (Of course, I know how hard it is in Indonesia to find a partner, much less a boyfriend)
…But the thing about movies is that it IS a movie. a glorified, beautified case, something looked at with a rose tinted glasses.And you don't even know whether if he is gay or straight or anything in between. And I know how crush can make us read every little innocuous sign as "OMG IS HE GAY IS HE FLIRTING WITH ME WHAT WHAT"
....Too much effort, honestly. An effort like that is better spent pursuing someone who won't compromise your professional ethics -and- can reciprocate your feelings.
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Oh, halo
Of course, I know how hard it is in Indonesia to find a partner, much less a boyfriend
Have you visited Indonesia? Because it sounds like you know about gay life in Indonesia
I'm just curiousOh, and btw, the game thing, I meant it as a joke.. hehehe
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Orang indo juga kok
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As a teacher myself, it is important to keep student-teacher relationships just that. One reason is because you are looked at as a mentor and someone who the student looks up to. Secondly, this can and probably cause problems at work. If you try to hide this relationship it won't stay hidden for long. Once it does come out you're out of a job and then what. Like other have said, look for someone that is not attending your school. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys out there.
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The agreement here is deafening and I'm just going to make it louder.
Stay away from him while he's your student. When that student/lecturer relationships ends and a little time has passed, then it's a different story, but for now, hands off.
I think all the reasons given above are valid, but I'll add another.
If you make any move that compromises the student/lecturer relationship, you're risking the quality of his education. He's there to learn your specialist subject from you, nothing else. While I was teaching, I took great pains to wear a carefully constructed professional mask with my students. I carefully avoided interactions that would place any kind of barrier between me and them that would affect their learning. I avoided politics, football, music and anything else that could have made them uncomfortable or awkward.
You need to be professional and do the same as I did, as even the most subtle probing about his orientation may be awkward for him, and compromise your ability to give him the kind of education he has a right to expect.
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Also, it's very different when he student approaches the professor than when the professor approaches the student. The student expects the professor to be a trustworthy person in their life, and going and hitting on them would not be right. If the student came to you, and you felt the same, thats a different story, but one that would still probably be ill-advised. Real life isn't Pretty Little Liars.
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**Students are just that students, they are there to learn not to play. STAY AWAY!! You are there to teach and that is what you are getting paid to do, not to screw every student that you find attractive. There are plenty of problem with the education system, so please do not bring it down with your sexual appetite.
I can see your future, if you follow through on your plan to get involved with the lost of your Job, and probably you entire teaching career.
Wake up before you loose everything.**
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Just admire from a distance and don't take it any further. You're a professional and Indonesia might not be the friendliest place in regards to LGBTQ individuals.
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Pursue him when he is no longer your student!!!
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LIFE IS SIMPLE…DON'T MAKE IT COMPLICATED
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You may have to wait and restrain yourself, but I wouldn't totally abandon your feelings. Keep it professional, but stay in contact with him while he's attending the University. Help him out, be a good mentor… keep that aspect of your relationship legit. You may even get some "hints" if you keep in contact with him like that. If it feels right, maybe when he's approaching graduation, bring up your sexuality and/or interest.
As has been stated, your primary concern should be for your career and personal safety in situations like these. But I don't believe in permanently blacklisting an individual. Life just isn't that clear-cut.
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Unfortunately I know the feeling, BUT you must stay professional… after all there are many out of the class and if you aren't even sure it's gay, why put yourself in danger?
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I think Indonesia is a Muslim country so the culture and social values are not as the same as of America… so I would say to forget that hot boy... the more you think of him, you may end up becoming crazy... other point is respect the teacher student relation...
