Learn the basic compound lifts - squat, deadlift, bench, rows/pullups and (overhead) press.
They are the staple of any program, no matter the goal, and most other exercises are variations of them.
I would also advise to learn how to eat right as early as possible.
I think you covered everything lol.
George, a 70 year old grandfather went for his annual physical. All
of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George,
everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself? Do you have a good relationship with your
God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes
off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because
I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the
light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
One day, a man who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. As the speck gets closer and closer, he sees from the surf that it is a drop dead gorgeous woman on a surf board wearing only a wet suit and a hair barrette. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you have had a cigarette?" "Ten years ," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says,"Man, oh man! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you have had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the length of her body. "And how long has it been since you have played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?"
A plane was about to crash and there were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes. The first person said: " I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved." The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went. The second person said: "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved." The others said: "O.K.", and gave him a parachute. The third person said: "I am George Bush, president of the most powerful country in the world. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid,but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute." And off he went. There were two people left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl. The Pope said: "Child, I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young, with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chance." "It's O.K." said the girl, "there are still two parachutes…........George Bush picked up my schoolbag
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"
A guy is waiting in a doctor's office. After about 10 minutes of waiting the guy is called in.
"I have some bad new, and some really bad news," says the Dr.
"Oh man, ok give me the really bad new first," says the man.
"Well you have cancer."
"Jesus!" says the man "What's the really bad news?"
"Well you also have Alzheimer's and your going to start to forget things."
The man sits in silence for about 15 seconds and then says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and
sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors: green, red,
orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared at him.
The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter, Old
Timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of
another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is,
Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the
bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang
himself, I put him there to dry."
