Posts made by forgetjack

Q: What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake?
A: "Must be an earthquake."

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch?
A: Her blinker was on.

Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."

The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.

"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"

"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."

A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise – Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.
Her friend replies, "They didn't last year."

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.

Yo' Mama is so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.

Yo' Mama is so fat, yo' daddy needs a Sherpa to help get him on top.

Yo' Mama is so fat, she has to use a telephone pole as a tampon.

Q: What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?

A: A whopper with cheese.

He said what he did was take all of his clothes off, and he stood naked in front of the mirror. I said, 'That's a damn good diet.' I think I could lose weight, too, if I saw Barry White naked, huh? Like, 'You hungry?' 'No man, I just saw Barry White naked. I don't want nothin'.'

You go to a Heavy D concert, you will leave satisfied. But you'll be leaving in five minutes because Heavy does two songs and he's tired.

A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.

"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?"

"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."

The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.

"But doctor – now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"

"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."

Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?

A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

– Let's watch Lifetime.

-- Sex is overrated.

-- I don't want to go too far on the first date.

-- Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.

-- Don't we owe your mother a visit?

-- I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.

-- Dessert goes right to my hips.

-- I hate when I miss Oprah.

-- Does this suit make me look fat?

-- I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

Q: How do you know that Keira Knightley doesn't exist?

A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds.

Q: Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested?

A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.

Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common?

A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '