Posts made by forgetjack

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "I don't think I can get hard – I just got laid this morning!"

An 80-year-old man comes home and finds his 80-year-old wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She responds, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop in."

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

A father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day.
He asks his oldest daughter, ''Whom do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.''
He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.''
He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.''
She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!''
He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.''
He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.''
The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, ''That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!''

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What are you going to do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he s**ts in little plastic baggies!"

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no – smallcox, too!"

Q: What has six balls and rips you off daily?
A: The lottery.

When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting – 'No, man, I've got to go home.'

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then…good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

My mother came to the door; 'Lance, get your ass in the house!' I said, 'Oh, Ma, I don't feel like coming in the house!' I didn't even see where the skillet came from. I just staggered into the house. It wasn't even the right house, it was just the first house with the door open.

What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?
He got bombed.

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

Q: What's it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?
A: Bestiality.

December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

Q: Why'd the robber take a bath?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.