Posts made by forgetjack

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin, She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

A zebra dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he sees St. Peter.

SP: Is there anything you would like to know before you enter Heaven?
Z: You know, St. Peter, my whole life I've lived with this burden of never knowing the answer to one question: Am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?
SP: Go, my friend, and as the Lord God Himself to give you the answer to that question. He will give you what you need to know.
So the zebra enters into Heaven and makes that his first priority. He trots his way up to God and asks…

Z: God, I've always wanted to know my entire life, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?
God calmly sits back in his throne and says:

G: You are what you are.
The zebra is taken aback, not knowing what to take from that answer. But St. Peter told him he would get what he needed to know from God...

Somewhat disappointed, the Zebra travels back to the pearly gates to ask St. Peter what God meant by his answer. He finally gets there and says...

Z: St. Peter, I took your advice and went to God to ask if I'm white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. His answer only made me more confused...
SP: What did he tell you, my friend?
Z: He simply told me 'You are what you are.'
SP: Well there you have it...
Z: What?! What do you mean?
SP: You are white with black stripes.
Z: What?! How do you know that?
SP: If you were black with white stripes, he would have answered, 'You is what you is.'

I was looking for a new apartment and found a nice place in the center of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only $650 a month," the women told me. "But no children or pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my sex life.

A naked woman walks into a bar  and asks for a shot of whiskey. Everybody looks perplexed at her, jaws being dropped and all that. The bartender gives her the shot, and looks at her as if he was inspecting. The woman asks for another shot, so the bartender gives her another one, but keeps looking at her. After a while, the woman gets annoyed and asks him:
"Excuse me, but what's your problem? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman in your life?"
"I have"- says the bartender -"I'm just trying to figure out how you're gonna pay for those shots."

.. loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

Tim: Hey, what kind of stone is this?
Geologist: Oh, that's leaverite.
Tim: Really?
Geologist: Yeah. Leaverite there, it's just a fucking rock.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We've got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, “No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One police officer asked Jerry to tell him the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…"
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Q: How do Chinese people name their babies?
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

A little boy was in the bath with his mom. The boy said, "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," said the boy, "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it."

A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"