Posts made by forgetjack

Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House?
A: President Bill Clinton's code name was "Mr. Bush."

A sick patient asked his doctor, ''Flu?''
The doctor replied, ''No, I came on my bicycle actually!''

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
The injured man repies, "But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.
The injured man responds, "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting my nurse and me."

which city is dangerous? it's electricity

A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys.
The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Gwenivere. The belt contained a miniture guillotine.
Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down. One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.
That is until he came up to Lancelot. Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, ''Now I knew I could count on you to be trusted. Name anything at all and it is yours.''
Lancelot replied '' UNGH!UH! UNGH!'''

One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work. He sees his wife bending down to clean the floor under the sofa. So Stan goes over to his wife and starts fucking her from behind. After he finishes, he gives her a hard smack to the head.
His wife yells, ''What was that for!?''
To which Stan replies, ''That's for not checking to see who it was.''

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and a girl. They started talking and decided to go back to the guy's house. When they got there the man took off his shirt and said, ''This is 1,000 pounds of dynamite.''
The girl was sweating.
Then he took off his pants and said, ''This is another 1,000 pounds of dynamite.''
By now, the girl wanted to jump on him. Then he took off his boxers and the girl started to run for the door.
The guy asked, ''Whats wrong? Where are you going?''
The girl said ''With 2,000 pounds fo dynamite and such a short fuse, I thought you were going to blow.''

Why computers seem female:
– No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
-- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
-- The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
-- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
-- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Why computers seem male:
-- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
-- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they are the problem.
-- As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
-- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
-- Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"

"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."

The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."

"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"

"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like – Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"

A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"

"What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.

"Wow, did he charge us anything?"

"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"

"Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"

An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..
Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

Q: How do you sink a Polish ship?

A: Put it in water.

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred.

The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."

Everyone stayed calm.

About another hour later, another boom.

The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!"

The people stayed calm.

An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.

Then, the Polish man stood up and said outloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"