Posts made by forgetjack

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

A: They all get the house.

Women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

When they crucified Jesus, did you know the cross actually fell over and killed a few people? And, of course, the insurance companies wouldn't pay off on the policy: 'Act of God' – you know how they get away with that one.

We're in this trophy shop, right? There's trophies everywhere, shelves and shelves of trophies. My dad looks around and goes, 'This guy's really good.'

A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit."

Q: What do American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common?
A: They're both f**king close to water.

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: She sits by a candle.
Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: She lights it.

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked.
She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"

Q: Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
A: So she could have shade when she swam across.

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.
''How much is this one?'' he asked.
''That one is a monkey brain, and it's $20,'' the owner explained.
''How much is that one?'' the alien asked.
"That one is a female brain, and it's $100,'' the owner replied.
''And how much is that one?'' the alien asked.
''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' the owner explained.
''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked.
The owner answered,''Well, it's hardly been used!''

There was a man from Leek
Who instead of a nose had a beak.
It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird
He migrates at the end of next week.

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Aw, f**k it! We'll drink in the dark!"

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then…good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle names.

George of the Jungle lived all alone. There was no one to have sex with him, so instead he screwed a hole in a tree.
One day, he found a woman in the jungle and the call to do the wild thing became too much.
Soon they were making out and getting pretty hot and heavy until George kicked the woman in the crotch.
"What did you do that?" she exclaimed.
He replied, "Gotta check for squirrels."

Q: What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?
A: Osama bin Latte