Posts made by forgetjack

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

I feel sorry for Michael. I have ever since I saw that Oprah Winfrey interview, where we found out he has that thing that causes black people to gradually lose their color – what's it called? Money.

When they show you those starving kid commercials, why do they have to show you the starvingest kid they can find? You know, they have to show you a kid on the side of the road, with flies on it. 'Cause I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, 'I wouldn't go send but five dollars. It takes three days for the mail to get there. By the time my five dollars gets there, that kid's gonna be dead. Show me a kid that's got five or six months left, I can work with him.'

While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes. "Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them.

Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

LADY GAGA IS GOING TO BE IN IT!!!! IT'S GOING TO BE SO GOOD!! I wish Jessica Lange will be in it though….

Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: "Let's get together and make some cents."

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!"

The farmer said "Well done, son."

The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer.

He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a prostitute.

"I'll give you a fk if you give me that duck," said the prostitute. After they did it, the prostitute said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you fk me again." He did, and then he went on to the market.

On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it."

The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a fk for a duck, a duck for a fk, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."

Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The panties were half off.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" She replies, "In three months."

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room."

Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.

"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.

"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.

"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the… ." The power went off.

He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"

Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage."

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.

Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped a $10 bill in it and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $60 bucks you won. Don't Despair paid five to one!"

Q: What does sex have in common with a savings account?
A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a beer.

"Can I have one, Dad?"

"Can your dk touch your ahole?"

"No."

"Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette.

"Dad, can I smoke one, too?"

"Can your dk touch your ahole?"

"No."

"Then you can't have one."

On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and the son won $500. The dad was surprised and a bit jealous.

"You're going to share that with me, aren't you, son?"

"Can your dk touch your ahole?"

"Yes."

"Then go f**k yourself."

A young man got a new job running the register at a store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell.

"Watch how I do it," he said to the new hire.

As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass."

"You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."

A customer stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"

"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."

My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go… She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"