Posts made by benlim8888

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy, are you going to be disappointed someday!"

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

uan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

Juan says, “Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?” “Four.”

“How long have you been smoking?” “Thirty years.”

“That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?” “Never.”

“Do you own this building?” “No.” “Well, I do.”

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asked the first child.

“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.

“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”

The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?”

“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child.

“Oh my Goodness,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born, I did not walk for a year!

This elderly lady is a widow two times and she decides to get married again. On the wedding day she shows up at the church in a white dress. The preacher comes over and says, "Excuse me, but what are you doing?"

She replies, "Preacher, I came to get married."

He said, "Don’t you know that only virgins are supposed to dress in white on their wedding day?"

She responds, "But Preacher, I’m still a virgin."

"I married you two times in this church before. How can you tell me that you are still a virgin?"

"I am and I can prove it. Look, my first husband was a gynecologist all he wanted was to look at it. My second husband was a stamp collector… boy do I miss that guy."

A traveling salesman is in a small town for a couple of weeks when he really begins to miss his wife.

After another two weeks, he just can’t take it anymore, and decides to visit the town brothel.

He goes up to the madam and says, “Here is a hundred dollars. Give me the worst bow job in the house.”

“But, sir,” says the madam, “for a hundred dollars, you don’t have to settle for the worst blow job. As a matter of fact, you could get the best.”

“No, no,” says the man, “you don’t understand. I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

A man is driving along and a police man stops him and says, "Alcohol, drugs?"

And the man says, "No thanks officer, I've got everything."

Then he drives off.

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Joe goes to his doctor for his physical exam. The doctor says to him, “Joe. I’m afraid you have a rare disease."

“Is there a cure for it, doc?” Joe asks.

“Yes. The only thing that can cure you is fresh breast milk.”

Joe then advertises for a wet nurse. A gorgeous blonde responds to his ad and agrees to wet nurse him. At their first session, Joe is sucking away. The blonde starts to get turned on by Joe’s sucking prowess and discovers that she is highly aroused. “Is there anything else you want, Joe?” she moans, as she caresses herself.

“Do you have any chocolate cookies to go along with the milk?"

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden burst of fashion daring.

He says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings?”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the other guy replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious. How long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Well, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

A little old man is taking his evening walk when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He gets closer and says to her, “Hey lady, would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?”

The woman turns back and says, “Listen you, I’m not that kind of a woman! Got it?”

But the very determined old man kept walking a few feet behind. He then says, “Would you let me bite your breast just once for $10,000 dollars?”

The woman stops, thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars… okay, just once! But lets go to that dark alley.”

They go to the alley, where she takes off her top to reveal the most gorgeous breast he has ever seen. He grabs them and starts fondling them slowly, caressing them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you going to bite them or not?”

“Nah,” says the old man, “costs too much…”

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back?!?!?!"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?” he asked.

“I was in bed,” she replied.

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came."

A big city man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That's all right. You don't have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

The man in the picture is gorgeous.  ;D

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."