Del-ONE finally out in the open
Please forgive any grammatical errors and question any logic errors. I'm drunk as shit at this point, and I'm really quite open to objective feedback…Besides this is the first place to require some kind of feedback (upload v. download) so why not go all the way, miright?
Ok... I spent literally years confusing, obfuscating, and down right lying about it, but I think I'm gay. I've admitted it to my parents and the few real friends I have, though a few people still think 'I just don't date, ever, it's not worth it' as an excuse; although that's gotten me more weird and alienating looks than I can count. I really don't know what to do now, but actually saying this much to an understanding community seems like a step at least.
Even those who know I'm gay don't really believe it, don't know how it started...it's all so mixed up. From the fourth grade (when I finally settled down after numerous moves) until I literally escaped her through college (and even then had to break up through email), I dated one chick, whom I hated for the entire time. It was partially her utter stupidity (she failed two years of HIGH SCHOOL, and the same FCAT twice) while I passed classes while reading and making a 1420 on the SAT. It was mostly her total innocence about her life: she was this useless annoyance to her (divorced) parents. and she still felt she had value, for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, after moving multiple times as a military child, I had turned to an undeveloped form of nihilism, and while with her, took out a LOT of my issues on her (until I got rid of her). By the end of that unending torment, I had turned her,, in my perspective. into both the epitome of Suberbia (hell, in my thought) and the Crysania to my Raistlin (if you happen to know wtf that means, lol). I took myself quite seriously in those days...wish I still did.
Sometime in that time (10th grade??), my adopted brother who was really my cousin (my aunt, his mother, was the literal definition of a crack whore and thankfully went to prison) became my idol, in that he DID things. These things were undoubtedly negative: try to sniff chemicals in lab, try to bring a bb gun to school, etc, but that only made them more awesome as I continued a set years-long pattern with a worthless bitch. At some point, I spent a night naked with him in bed (even now, after he's married, he sexuality come's to question, even with his wife) , though we never touched in a significant way; I often wonder if that, in addition to the unwanted come-ons of the bitch, made me this way....
Eventually, my brother got sent to JobCorp bc of weed, though it applied to me just as much (bc of him ofc). I took up cigs then and didn't think about it twice until a few weeks ago when I decided to try to quit. I mean my dad was a spineless bitch, my mom was a bull, and the only person I'd felt a connection with was a hundred miles away. During that time, I hooked up with my hated gf's brother, who was two years younger than me. That eventually ended bc of practicality, but he's remained my best example of true friendship, and love, since. I haven;t seen him in at least five years bc of the complications, but I miss him even now.
Since escaping that situation (which for awgile I explained as a way to hurt my gf), I haven't dated I haven't coded, I haven't really done anything more than barely pass the classes I've signed into. I know it's got to change but I don't know HOW. Am I a pedobear? Am I a sub seeking the dominance my brother had? Am I just trying to rationalize the hate for my gf? Am I just universalizing the love I felt for her bro Am I really and truly gay, like the porn I've watched 4 yrs? I don't know anymore...
I believe in and identify with the homosexual crowd, but I'm terrified of it at the same time that I'm just seeking dominance....wtf is going on with me?
Again, I'm sorry for any inconsistency or circling here, I'm drunk and facing a crisis here...
Your share here in "coming out" is very powerful and poignant. I am assuming that you are still fairly young (likely early 20's). I am 50, yet your share resounded with me in a lot of my earlier turmoil and confusion. I am so very glad you put this out there for input – you are very brave.
I can only share my personal experience, strength and hope. I cannot exactly put myself in your shoes and tell you anything about how you should feel or act.
I "came out" to myself at around age 12. I was "sure" I was gay, yet I felt this was wrong. Only a couple years ago, did I realize that I (likely everyone) develops a "core belief system" in their single-digit-ages that results in a life-long situation of interpreting everything I heard from others as an adult. Amongst several "core beliefs" that I have identified for myself, they include: homosexuality is wrong and sex is dirty and should be secret. These "core beliefs" may or may not be accurate (in those two particular instances are inaccurate for me) and need to be dealt with head-on as an adult for my personal growth. Once these young beliefs were etched into my brain, all external messages are FILTERED through that system. That which I hear that agrees with that system is reinforced (even if wrong); that which I hear that disagrees with that system is deflected (even if it is correct and nurturing towards my CURRENT self-fulling goals).
Having had some early-in-age experiences -- even if great -- remains subsequently filtered through this system. Whether good or bad, this is a fact in my life (brain). It remains something with which I struggle.
The FACT that both you and I recognize WE are gay -- and I personally don't think that that can be changed -- is an important internal recognition. Over years, I have come to learn that my past understanding of WHY I think the things that I do about myself do NOT have to be understood from my past. I have the power to change my current attitude based upon the PRESENT.
I remain conflicted about a lot of this. Today I can certainly admit that I am off-the-scale gay. I may or may not like that; however, I feel strongly that I cannot change that. I am working towards internal harmony with this so that I can ultimately be PROUD and more comfortable in my skin. That may take time, but I am willing to work out these personal internal conflicts to become a more healthy man in my spirit and service to my community.
My friend, your age/background/whereabouts/situation is not important to us here at GT.ru in your reaching out. Your self-esteem IS very important. I am so very glad you opened your heart to us. I hope you remain open to us and others in your trusted circle to gain comfort. Please keep in touch and keep us posted.
The FACT that both you and I recognize WE are gay – and I personally don't think that that can be changed -- is an important internal recognition.
Today I can certainly admit that I am off-the-scale gay.
Your self-esteem IS very important.
I agree that our self esteem is so important!!