Please forgive any grammatical errors and question any logic errors. I'm drunk as shit at this point, and I'm really quite open to objective feedback…Besides this is the first place to require some kind of feedback (upload v. download) so why not go all the way, miright?
Ok... I spent literally years confusing, obfuscating, and down right lying about it, but I think I'm gay. I've admitted it to my parents and the few real friends I have, though a few people still think 'I just don't date, ever, it's not worth it' as an excuse; although that's gotten me more weird and alienating looks than I can count. I really don't know what to do now, but actually saying this much to an understanding community seems like a step at least.
Even those who know I'm gay don't really believe it, don't know how it started...it's all so mixed up. From the fourth grade (when I finally settled down after numerous moves) until I literally escaped her through college (and even then had to break up through email), I dated one chick, whom I hated for the entire time. It was partially her utter stupidity (she failed two years of HIGH SCHOOL, and the same FCAT twice) while I passed classes while reading and making a 1420 on the SAT. It was mostly her total innocence about her life: she was this useless annoyance to her (divorced) parents. and she still felt she had value, for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, after moving multiple times as a military child, I had turned to an undeveloped form of nihilism, and while with her, took out a LOT of my issues on her (until I got rid of her). By the end of that unending torment, I had turned her,, in my perspective. into both the epitome of Suberbia (hell, in my thought) and the Crysania to my Raistlin (if you happen to know wtf that means, lol). I took myself quite seriously in those days...wish I still did.
Sometime in that time (10th grade??), my adopted brother who was really my cousin (my aunt, his mother, was the literal definition of a crack whore and thankfully went to prison) became my idol, in that he DID things. These things were undoubtedly negative: try to sniff chemicals in lab, try to bring a bb gun to school, etc, but that only made them more awesome as I continued a set years-long pattern with a worthless bitch. At some point, I spent a night naked with him in bed (even now, after he's married, he sexuality come's to question, even with his wife) , though we never touched in a significant way; I often wonder if that, in addition to the unwanted come-ons of the bitch, made me this way....
Eventually, my brother got sent to JobCorp bc of weed, though it applied to me just as much (bc of him ofc). I took up cigs then and didn't think about it twice until a few weeks ago when I decided to try to quit. I mean my dad was a spineless bitch, my mom was a bull, and the only person I'd felt a connection with was a hundred miles away. During that time, I hooked up with my hated gf's brother, who was two years younger than me. That eventually ended bc of practicality, but he's remained my best example of true friendship, and love, since. I haven;t seen him in at least five years bc of the complications, but I miss him even now.
Since escaping that situation (which for awgile I explained as a way to hurt my gf), I haven't dated I haven't coded, I haven't really done anything more than barely pass the classes I've signed into. I know it's got to change but I don't know HOW. Am I a pedobear? Am I a sub seeking the dominance my brother had? Am I just trying to rationalize the hate for my gf? Am I just universalizing the love I felt for her bro Am I really and truly gay, like the porn I've watched 4 yrs? I don't know anymore...
I believe in and identify with the homosexual crowd, but I'm terrified of it at the same time that I'm just seeking dominance....wtf is going on with me?
Again, I'm sorry for any inconsistency or circling here, I'm drunk and facing a crisis here...