Relationship Issue Help Needed: My partner and his so-called friend
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I love him but I am no longer in love with him. I do feel like he used me and took advantage of me and in some ways was emotionally abusive and tried to be physically abusive as well. I feel sorry for him being blind and having no one to help him but felt he pushed me out the door. Now he wants me back, I really think I should move on…Anyone else have advice and thoughts?
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Argh! I have a soft spot for this sort of thing, it's not that I want to hold a grudge but I tend to be more forgetting of past sins once I forgive. So I have to warn you that I do get told a lot that I'm too forgiving.
But that said, it really is up to you depending on how you feel about him- if you still want to see what is possible. There's a part of me that says just leave well enough alone, but another part is saying you could give him a chance IF- and this is very important- IF he makes some changes to prove that he really is serious this time around. For one thing- can he give up his friend? That is the first and main test. His friend was the main reason your relationship fell apart and having him around is a deal breaker. His focus should be on you and building a relationship with you.
If and when William is out of the picture entirely- THEN you can give him a chance. No rushing ahead and moving in, please! Get to know each other more first. Spend a bit of time until you have a better understanding of whether there's anything there worth salvaging, or if you should just totally cut him out of your life.
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I can understand the point of being "too forgiving"…that is me in a nutshell. I have been too forgiving in my last 2 relationships and I am the one that got hurt. I did respond to him with the following:
I am willing to try working things out with you if you can make some changes in a few areas, if you can't agree with my conditions then we need to move on:
Number 1 is that under no circumstances will William ever live with us and the 20 calls a day need to stop from him
Number 2 is that you make me feel secure again that after a disagreement you don't want to end things and break up. It's a commitment.
Number 3 is that we will sleep in the same bed
Number 4 I am in control of the finances
Number 5 We will not share a home until things are completely worked out and you will be faithful as I will be to you in our absences.
Number 6 You will not yell, scream at me. You will be respectful of me and not try to get physically abusive with me.Let me know. If I don't hear back...then I know you don't agree.I bet I never hear from him, he will never agree to any of it!
Any ones thoughts? Was I to mean?
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Good on you for writing that large piece and getting your feelings out there. Also good on you for providing that list of what you want to change to make things work.
I hate to come across as bitter or nasty but its a shame that he seems to have ignored your feelings again and focusing on what he wants and his feelings. It sounds as if he hasn't learnt to be considerate of your feelings yet so trying to pursue the relationship would be a waste of time.
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Well I have to agree with you Farkme. I was just thinking what you said right before I came back here. Of course I have not heard back from him. I have never been his priority and even if I went back to him I would never be the priority. I am so glad that after 3 weeks I hear from him wanting me back, what a farce. He just needs someone to take his trash out, read his mail, clean up, do his laundry and drive him wherever he wants to go and I have a feeling that would be me if I went back. I know for a fact that he would never agree to my conditions and I am not backing down. I am not a mean person and I hope my conditions weren't too mean but I am tired of the bullshit. And I am moving on and I agree that pursuing the relationship would just be a waste of time, more drama, more hurt and abuse. I am sure that in a couple of days or weeks he will try again and this time I don't plan on responding to his text or call. I wonder how many other people will fall for his crap. He has never had a long-term relationship. I was told by William that he had two different guys he was in a short term relationship pack their stuff and walk out while Lee was at the store or sleeping and never said a word to him. You think by now that Lee would have learned his lesson. Like I said I am sorry he is blind and having a rough go at it since I am no longer in his world, but honestly he did that to himself. Some people never learn and keep making the same mistakes over and over again and that is called insanity. I am not going to make the same mistake ever again…I guess you can say I have grown and learned my lesson on this one.
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No you wasn't mean at all in your list of 'demands' which aren't even really demands or conditions at all. You just want to have a normal relationship
:hug:
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I promised myself not to be mean or hateful to him or lower myself down to his level so I needed advice as to if I were mean or not…come to think of it Farkme I guess I have grown a set of balls and don't plan on backing down on the changes that need to be made. I think he realizes that I have taken the focus off of him and made myself the priority (which I should have done to begin with). I appreciate your response. :hug2:
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I promised myself not to be mean or hateful to him or lower myself down to his level so I needed advice as to if I were mean or not…come to think of it Farkme I guess I have grown a set of balls and don't plan on backing down on the changes that need to be made. I think he realizes that I have taken the focus off of him and made myself the priority (which I should have done to begin with). I appreciate your response. :hug2:
wow you're saying everything I went through a year ago I was also in a relationship with a guy who took advantage of me and just wanted me to do everything for him even though I wasn't his priority at all I was so in love with the guy that I wasn't thinking about myself at all he pushed me away more than once just to make me feel bad and then he would take me back after a couple of weeks or a month then one day we had a stupid fight and he again pushed me away so I took it this time and never came back he tried to take me back and suddenly became SO SWEET and kind so I can fall for him again but my feelings were already gone and like you said I changed and made myself my priority the thing is you don't wanna be mean and hateful to him but want it or not you're gonna be the bad guy in the story they will never understand why you wanna walk away and you're gonna end up being the bitch after all. I didn't give a fuck if I'm gonna look like the unfaithful bitch I didn't take him back after the many sweet things he was doing to convince me. so you can say yea I also grow a set of balls and I'm happy that I learned a lot from this experience and you should too
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Hey PumpingMuscl are you sure we weren't with the same guy? :cheers: Lee would do the same identical thing to me. He would be mean and ugly to me while I was doing everything I could for him. He would push me away, I would leave and then he would be so sweet and nice and beg me to come back. He would put the blame on me for something that was not even my fault. Here is a fine example: When William was still living with Lee and I, we went to the store one Saturday morning, it was July 4th weekend, and Lee wanted to get a grill so I could make barbecue for the holiday. We pulled up at Walmart, William helped Lee out of the car and gave him a shopping cart. William continued to lead Lee with the shopping cart and I followed behind. When we got into the garden department where the grills were, William started to grab Lees hand and let Lee feel the grills (remember lee is blind). The way the two of them were acting it was almost like a sexual experience of William gently stroking Lees hand while he guided Lee to touch all of the grills. After about 10 minutes of this, I excused myself and told them I was going to go sit in the car and wait for them to come to finish the shopping. About 15 minutes later, here they come to the car, they didn't buy anything and did not continue shopping. They got in the car and Lee asked what was wrong. I went off on both of them saying that I was just the 3rd wheel here and what happened at the store upset me. That if I am "supposedly" Lee's partner then I should be showing him and leading / guiding him. I told William that Lee and I were trying to have a relationship (which he knew) and he needed to but out. When we got back to Lee's apartment, Lee ask me to leave telling me I was mean and I should have kept my mouth shut, he asked me to leave. I told Lee that if anyone should leave it should be William. He told me to get out. So I got some clothes, grabbed my laptop and left. Two weeks later, Lee starts begging me to come back, he was so sweet and kind, promised me this would never happen again and told me things would be different, un-huh, so I went back just to have this same thing (in different ways) happen about 3 more times, I would leave, he would beg me to come back. This time is different and I will not compromise how I feel or what changes need to take place. Of course, I have still not heard from him and I truly think this is a good thing because it would end up being the same scenario over and over again with him. Like I said, about 2 weeks from now, he will start texting and begging, this time it will be ignored. I am glad you learned and you decided not to be the pin cushion and I am not going to be the victim anymore either. Again, as stated before, I feel sorry for Lee because he pushes people out of his life for no reason, he is blind, he needs someone but it is his own fault that he has no one. I seriously believe he has something more wrong with him than being blind. I honestly feel like he needs some type of psychiatric counselling or help. Live and Learn and I learned my lesson in a very hard way….NEVER AGAIN !
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Okay, I just remembered another time so I have to add another example of Lee's crazy behavior and how I was treated. How about getting kicked out of the house over a stupid can of green beans. OMFG!! This was once again while William was living with us. We had gone grocery shopping. Even though Lee is blind he can maneuver around the kitchen very well and he can cook. When we got home from the grocery store Lee realized he forgot to tell me we needed green beans. He planned the Sunday dinner, so I suggested we have another side instead. He said make sure you get "Green Giant" green beans. I went back to the store and of course they were out of green giant green beans, so I got 2 cans of "Libbys" green beans. I got home with the cans and set the on the counter. William comes into the kitchen, gets the beans out of the bag and Lee said are those "Green Giant" brand and William said no they are "libbys". Lee goes off and bitches me out, well this is just going to ruin the green bean casserole I had planned, I only use "Green Giant" brand. He told me I was stupid and I should go back to the store and exchange them or find them somewhere else. I refused. He told me that if I could not do what he wanted that I needed to leave. He was mean to me over a stupid can of green beans. I did leave and of course a week later he was apologizing and was so sweet and kind and begged me to come back, which I did (I should have known then, this was before I completely moved in with him, furniture and all). I know one thing I will not miss for sure, is going grocery shopping with him. It was a nightmare and I dreaded it. I always tried to make a list of what he wanted and he would make another list in his head or change what was on my list. We would start shopping and we would get some items and then he would say, oh, I need milk (for example), I said well we are on the other end of the store and we will get it when we get over there…He would say, no, lets go get it now, so we would trek from one end of the store to the other end back and forth, back and forth. What should have been a 30 minute shopping trip turned into 2 or 3 hours of walking from one end of the store to the other. Finally I decided it would be best if I just went to get the groceries by myself and when I would get home he would say, wow how did you do that so fast.....SOME CRAZY SHIT!
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I figured I would get more comments… :cry2:
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If he hasn't responded to your conditions by now, it's best to chalk it up to experience and move on.
There's times it's better to be single than be stuck in a bad relationship. Reconnect with family and friends over the Thanksgiving holidays and count the good things in your life you can be thankful for.
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We would start shopping and we would get some items and then he would say, oh, I need milk (for example), I said well we are on the other end of the store and we will get it when we get over there…He would say, no, lets go get it now, so we would trek from one end of the store to the other end back and forth, back and forth. What should have been a 30 minute shopping trip turned into 2 or 3 hours of walking from one end of the store to the other. Finally I decided it would be best if I just went to get the groceries by myself and when I would get home he would say, wow how did you do that so fast.....SOME CRAZY SHIT!
That sounds very familiar! I had that experience with women. I only do that when they change the layout and move things around go to where it used to be and its halfway down the other end of the shop now.
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Jazzmale29, I think you did the right thing by ending it. I would have done it much sooner though. I don't think William & Lee were partners or friends with benefits….I think that Lee depended on William in every way possible a friend could. It's been my experience that when someone with disabilities relies on a close friend for help regularly, they form a VERY CLOSE bond that is almost impossible to break. This sounds exactly like the situation with William & Lee, except Lee was unaware that William had a crush on Lee, which in turn made you jealous. The other big problem is it sounds like Lee is inexperienced & immature in how to treat a lover/partner in a relationship, he has not had enough experience to know how to treat a partner well. If he DID, then perhaps he would have been more sensitive to your feelings about William & what he was doing to your relationship.
The bottom line here is, Lee pretty much put you through the wringer & then some! You did the right thing by ending it. Don't EVER let yourself feel guilty for leaving someone who's blind....Lee is a grown man, he can take care of himself. Pick yourself up, move on & learn from this relationship & don't repeat in the future. If Lee does eventually respond to your list of requirements & decides to give you a chance, DO NOT let him rush you again!!! Take it slow! And make it CLEAR that your requirements are not negotiable.
Whatever you do though, don't give up on love. You sound like a wonderful catch, not many guys would have given Lee much of a chance! If it was me, I would have packed my bags after he verbally abused me the first time. Learn to love yourself, & try again when the time is right. There is a lot of good guys out there, you have just found the bad ones. Good luck to you.
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brianboru72 and bighardcock I truly appreciate your response. Both of you have given me some hope back. I had felt guilty but no longer.
I did end the relationship yesterday. Since I never heard back from him, last night I sent him a text saying "thank you for the lessons learned, I wish you the very best life has to offer. Good-bye Lee you will always have a special place in my heart. I am sorry things did not work out."As far as me, at peace with some unrest, if that makes any sense. As far as finding someone, right now I am not looking and have no expectations of being in another relationship. As far as giving up on love well this kinda took the wind out of me. My house sold last week(with no profit unfortunately) and I will be moving to a duplex I found here in my small hometown. Now I have to move again for the 3rd time this year…geeze.
I truly appreciate everyone's kindness, advice and thoughts here. Thank you all very much
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Congratulations on selling your house. Time for a clean break and new beginnings. Good luck on your 3rd and (hopefully) final move for a while. I might have to move at the start of the year myself and not looking forward to all the stress that comes with it.
Enjoy the upcoming holidays! At least you're at peace now and open to what new things can come your way.
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Thank you so much for the well wishes Brian. Yes it will be a new beginning for sure. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving as well.
My mom is in the nursing home so I will be spending the afternoon with her and then home alone. My mom is the only family member I have left living. So all of you who have families, treasure them and enjoy the time you have to share with them. Thanks again Brian, btw, my name is James. -
Hey Jazzmale - I really feel for you and what you've been through. Now that 6 monnths have passed -
a) how do you now feel about all the things that happened to you then and
b) even though last November you wern't looking for a new relationship - did you start going out looking ?
c) Do you fgeel ready to give relationships a chance again ?Hope you are going ok
