Relationship vs. muscle fetish
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I am 27. My boyfriend is 33. We have been dating for 2.5 years.
I don't know if we should break up. He is going through a career and identity crisis and I'm worried about him. We haven't had what I consider a functioning boyfriend/boyfriend relationship for 4 months now. We don't live together, and there will be times where we don't talk for weeks, and times where I ask to come over and he won't let me.
He doesn't know about my muscle fetish. I feel like I'm in the closet even though I'm in a gay relationship. I really love him because he is so sweet and kind and affectionate. It makes me feel horrible guilty and I worry that I haven't been kind enough to him. He has asked me to move in before and also to marry him but I couldn't say yes.
Part of society says that relationships come from hard work and accepting the other person for who they are. Another part of society says that individuals are responsible for seeking out their own happiness. No one wants to feel alone. And in the meantime I am just jacking off to bodybuilding videos.
Feedback?
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Tell him about your muscle fetish and see how he takes it. It might be an impetus for you two to stay together or break up.
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There are a lot of problems in your relationship and I think you should deal with it one by one (and not as a tangled mess of a problem)
But first of all, hugs. I'm sorry your relationship is on the rocks and I hope you'll get through this happier and more fulfilled.
The key here is communication.
- Your muscle fetish.
The easier. Simply put : talk to him about this.
But of course, details matter. tl;dr : Can you get aroused with him? If you -can-, what you want to avoid is your boyfriend getting the idea that "oh, I'm undesirable to him. He desires someone else, someone better." Considering he's in a rough place right now, mentioning his (further) flaws can be destructive for him.
If you cannot, though; then I think an important, hard (and not in a good way!) talk needs to be had, sooner or later. Tell him that you're not sexually satisfied. And it's not going to be easy. But sexual compatibility -does- matter in a relationship. Ignoring that won't do you good in the long run.
So you have to consider a few factors:
For example, is your boyfriend muscular? Was he used to be?
Have you had sex with him? Did it go well? Did you enjoy it? If you haven't, does the image of having sex with him arouses you?- His life problems.
That is hard; and as someone dealing with similar things; I can see how that affects one's mental health and behavior and relationship.
But at the same time, just because one's suffering, doesn't mean you as his boyfriend needs to be.
He might be using you as a crutch or he might be trying to keep you away from suffering from his problems
So I think you need to communicate, again. Try to avoid accusing– but communicate your needs. Define it as specific as possible. (i.e : "I really want you spending weekends with me" vs "I want you to be more attentive."). Add that you understand that he's having a hard time right now, and offer your help-- as much as it is healthy and as much as you can/willing to offer.
- Your treatment to him
.....you said you worry that you haven't been kind enough to him. Why? Because you refused his proposals? Is there something else you can add to explain your worry further?
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Thanks.
We have sex according to a formula, with lights off. I like his body fine, even though it's not perfectly my fetish. He is sturdy and strong, but very insecure, considers himself too fat, and doesn't like his body. I don't think we ever talk about sex. Whenever I brought up masturbation he would say "you're not allowed to do that" in a joking-but-also-not-joking way. So that pretty much shut off all discussion of sex.
We did have some discussion about how we spend time together. He needs to be more social, and he likes to go out. I don't drink at all and while I like being social I need to spend a lot of time at my desk to meet the career goals I've set for myself. That was also part of the reason I didn't want to move in. I just really didn't want to break my groove.
He told me he felt like I was judgmental when I counseled him. I mostly remember telling him he was being way too mean to himself. When he lets his guard down he is the sweetest most affectionate guy ever, and that makes me never want to do anything that could ever hurt him.
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Also for the last 4 months we have gone weeks at a time without talking, and barely seen each other.
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Also for the last 4 months we have gone weeks at a time without talking, and barely seen each other.
That is a major problem. If you don't talk you can't work together to build a stronger and more stable relationship. Since you're finding it difficult to get started, you might consider using a professional counselor. By this I mean a clinical psychologist of psychiatrist with a specialization in relationships. They can help you both develop communication skills and tools to resolve issues. They've spent years studying and learning how to help people in your situation. They are much more qualified than most of the opinionated crackpots you'll find on the internet in various chat forums.
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go fuck a muscle guy and just never tell him…
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Thanks.
We have sex according to a formula, with lights off. I like his body fine, even though it's not perfectly my fetish. He is sturdy and strong, but very insecure, considers himself too fat, and doesn't like his body. I don't think we ever talk about sex. Whenever I brought up masturbation he would say "you're not allowed to do that" in a joking-but-also-not-joking way. So that pretty much shut off all discussion of sex.
….are you implying he has a puritan / strict view of sex, or a...domineering personality?
We did have some discussion about how we spend time together. He needs to be more social, and he likes to go out. I don't drink at all and while I like being social I need to spend a lot of time at my desk to meet the career goals I've set for myself. That was also part of the reason I didn't want to move in. I just really didn't want to break my groove.
He told me he felt like I was judgmental when I counseled him. I mostly remember telling him he was being way too mean to himself. When he lets his guard down he is the sweetest most affectionate guy ever, and that makes me never want to do anything that could ever hurt him.
I think this is a good step, but yeah; seems you need more communication, and given your next post…that's...kind of dangerous.
And yes, I echo the professional suggestion.
