I'm confused
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Well, I met an Iranian guy who lives in Turkey as a refugee. We are talking via Skype and whatsapp about two months. We never saw each other in real life and we live in different cities. We both don't work and he is planning to move to US after one year. I knew this relationship won't work in the first place but I wanted to give it a chance.
Yesterday we made a hard discussion via Skype. To him my life style is different, I'm more of a negative person. I know I'm on a depressive mood for a time (as I said on another topic) but I wanted completely open to him and thought he would accept me what I am. He is more sociable person and I'm introvert, so he complained that I'm not an active person. Also he thinks not having a job will be problem to build a new life, but he doesn't know it's hard to find a job here to suitable to me.
I got very angry after that talk. He said he accept me as a friend and he was just being honest to me. But I felt he is trying to hurt me deliberately rather than being honest. When I asked if he never loves me, he just said he only likes me but he asked that did you say love me too? I'm really confused, because he never said that too. I don't get it that he wants me more open to him or he is just selfcentered asshole. He was saying he wants to meet me face to face to decide what to do, but I don't want this anymore, because after that stiutation, I'll be more nervous than ever, if he still wants to meet me and I'm not sure I like him or hate him anymore. So what do you suggest?
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He's commented you're not an active person, that it'll be problematic to build a life with someone who doesn't have a job, and that he's only willing to think of you as a friend for now, until you meet in person… I don't see anything necessarily to hate in these statements, or anything that's an obvious sign of him being a self-centered asshole. Of course delivery matters, but the underlying points are sound:
- if you're introverted and he's extroverted, that could be an issue in having a romantic relationship
- if he's moving to the US and won't have a job, and you don't have one also, that will be a big issue in having a relationship
- if he's a refugee moving to the US to make a better life for himself, he's coming with a different mindset from you (as one example: you say you can't find a job that suits you, he's probably willing to accept jobs you'd find unsuitable, just to get a start in), and he's focused on improving his situation, not jumping immediately into a romantic commitment with someone he's never met in person.
My advice is to lower your expectations (talking to someone online for two months doesn't get you to the point of declaring love) and just see what he's like if/when he gets to your part of the US. Maybe you won't even be into him! Also, go with your own feelings on this: maybe it is the case that the way in which he said these reasonable things makes it clear that's he's a manipulative asshole; if that's the case, there's no point in pursuing the relationship.
BTW, I didn't understand this part AT ALL: "When I asked if he never loves me, he just said he only likes me but he asked that did you say love me too? I'm really confused, because he never said that too. I don't get it that he wants me more open to him or he is just selfcentered asshole."
Can you rewrite it so it's easier to parse? It seems like an important part... -
Thanks for the reply and comments. Much appreciated.
About that part. He said: "It was like two guys like to talk to each other. Did u say love me? Did u say u are serious about me? Did u say wanna meet and make a plan? No." I think he wanted me to be more open my feelings towards him. But I don't know what would have changed?
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As someone who has lived with depression on and off most of my adult life, and only having your brief post to describe a much more involved ongoing interaction/relationship, I suspect your strong negative reaction may have more to do with your current depressed state rather than your friend actually rejecting you.
When a person is depressed, his/her brain makes false assumptions and jumps to erroneous conclusions.
When I am depressed, friends are far more important in helping me get out of that state than having a lover. Yes, a romantic partner can also be a friend, but interacting with as many people as possible helps me get out of my own head and distracts me from being depressed. It is too easy to (accidentally/unintentionally) rely on a boyfriend to be your therapist but that is not his role.
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Depression is a like vortex. I even use medications but that doesn't change anything. I know, I have to change my life but I feel I don't have any strength to do it. I need a job before everything but this depression or anxiety prevents me getting into the social life. If I can't change this circle, I may never find a love partner but I'm hungry for love.
