Advice for the closeted…
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Society, at some point, decided that sexuality was binary. If you have a penis, you are a male, and should be attracted to vagina-bearing females. If you have a vagina, you should be female, and should be attracted to penis-bearing males. But that is not how the human race works. Blondes are not exclusively attracted to brunettes. Blue eyes people are not exclusively attracted to brown eyed people, so why should a sexual organ make a bit of difference who you are attracted to? Why should a sexual organ identify who you are as a person?
I think that most people who do not identify within the standard confines of sexual identity and sexual preference go through a very difficult period of self-realisation; a period filled with fear, guilt, loathing, anxiety and panic. Speaking for my own experiences, I was barely a teen and was afraid my family wouldn't accept me. I knew that I would lose many of my friends, and that I would be harassed, bullied, and rejected by the close-minded people around me.
Straight or gay. 0 or 1. Black and white. At some point, people conceded that there were some people who were a bit of both, but still limited the categorisation into three: Straight, Bi, Gay. 0, ½, 1. Black, Grey and White. But, sexuality is not a choice or a check box on a form. There are a million shades of grey in between the two extremes of 'Straight' and 'Gay'. There are a million decimal points between 0 and 1. Am 1 100% gay? Well, probably not. I've seen a few females (albeit very few) who I would consider a sexual encounter with. So, does that mean I'm bi and not gay, even though I am attracted to maybe 1 female in a million, but am attracted to 1 guy out of 100? Am I 99% gay? More importantly: Does it matter?
The same can be said for gender, depending on your perspective. Society has two genders: male and female. Black and White. 1 and 0. Penis=Male. Vagina=Female. Now, granted, occasionally hermaphrodites are born with both sexual organs, which puts a third option into the mix, that doesn't mean that there are only three options. Just because someone has a penis does not mean they identify as a male. Just because someone has a vagina does not mean they identify as female.
There are many people out there who have been taught by their religion, or their culture that anything outside of the standard, binary sexuality is wrong and sinful. Some believe that people choose to be attracted to a specific sex, or choose to be themselves, rather than having been born into a body and brain with these thoughts and emotions. (To those people I say: If you believe it is a choice, than I challenge you to choose to be gay or choose to identify as the opposite gender for a few weeks and see how you get along. Sounds disgusting and impossible, right? Guess what: That's how gay people feel about trying to be straight, and people with different gender identities feel about being forced into the gender you want for them!) But, despite the daunting fact that there are many people out there who do not understand, or who outright oppose the fact that sexuality and gender is not concrete, there are many people out there who do, and who understand what you may be going through, and who support you.
So, here you are. You are questioning your sexuality or your gender identity… Am I gay? Am I really a female? Am I really attracted to him? Remember, you are not likely to find an answer to your questions right away, some people take years to truly understand who they are, and what they are attracted to... the important thing is not to feel scared, or upset, or guilty about these questions. You are who you are, and you are going through a period of self discovery. (This is no different than when you asked yourself "Do I really want to watch this TV show anymore?" or "Have I grown out of playing with this toy?"... This is a normal part of growth and development that every person goes through. The important things to remember are:
There is nothing wrong with the questions you are asking yourself.
There is nothing wrong with not being certain of what the answers are.
You do not need to be labelled, or fit into a standard category; they are meaningless. There is no such thing as 'straight', 'gay', 'bi', or 'male' 'female' any more than there is a single shade of red or blue. You are who you are.
There is something wrong if you feel that you should hurt yourself or that you may be at risk of being hurt by others for the things you are feeling and questioning. There is support and help out there, and if you are feeling like you are in danger of hurting yourself, seek that support.
Sooner or later, you will come to terms with who you are. This may take a few weeks, a few months, or a few years. Even then as you go through life, and grow in experiences, you may reevaluate your answers and make adjustments. This is normal. That doesn't necessarily mean that you are happy with the answers you've found, or that having the answers will make things any easier, but at least you know. You may not be proud of who you are yet-- that will come later. Accepting these answers is often very difficult, and being worried about how family, friends, coworkers and members of your community or social circles will react to your identity is a natural reaction. The process may be difficult, painful, and may mean some significant changes... Remember:While not everyone will accept you, there are many people out there who will. You may not have met them yet, but there are millions of people just like you.
You do not need to come out to everyone if you don't want to, or at all if you are not ready. This is a personal decision which only you can make.
Research and information can help. The internet is full of good information and support to help you on what you are going through.
Having support; people who accept you for who you are, and who accept the identity and sexuality you have determined as your own is important. Speaking with close friends who you believe to be open-minded is the usual first step. Speaking with someone who is in a similar situation to yourself is also often helpful. Sometimes, coming out may feel combative-- and may elicit a 'fight or flight' response. If you feel like you need to argue or use your identity as a weapon in an argument, than you may be better served to not speak to that person about your identity. Coming out in high-stress situations, or making people who may be supportive of you feel like you are attacking them may not be the best course of action. Give some thought to a support network of friends and family you can trust, and who you are ready to share this part of yourself with.Depression, fear, anxiety, panic, and even self-loathing are not unusual to experience during this process... I went through them, as did the vast majority of people who do not identify in the binary system of sexuality and gender identity. Above all else, remember that these will pass. There will come a time where you will be proud of your identity and sexuality. You will be comfortable and happy with who you are, and be free of the repression and uncertainty you may be experiencing now. You will be sure of who you are, and will be comfortable in your identity, you will make new friends who have undergone what you have gone through, and will be happy. It may take some time, and at the moment, this level of pride may seem impossible, but it will happen-- you just have to make it through this difficult time.
Once you have come to terms with who you are, you will probably want to begin dating and forming romantic relationships which fit with your new-found identity. After dealing with sexual and gender issues, and finally coming to terms with who they are, people want to release their sexual tensions as well. But, it is important to think clearly and carefully before acting on your sexual desires. There can be dangers associated with sex of any kind, and there are still ignorant people out there who may seek to pray on your naïvety. Play it safe, and trust your judgement.
Eventually, you will find a purposeful, meaningful relationship. Love between same sex partners is real and just like love between heterosexuals. Same sex couples have the desire for commitment and families, despite what mainstream culture may lead people to believe. You may. however. run into places where being in a same sex relationship is made difficult by a patriarchal and heterosexist society... Despite that, you will eventually find a balance where your identity and sexuality are just part of life, and who you are. There will always be new people in life you will have to come out to, since the process never really ends, but this will eventually become less of an issue, and just part of life.
Just remember, you are who you are. There are millions of people out there who are just like you. Things may be scary and difficult now, but give yourself time to filter out the people who don't belong as part of your new-found identity.
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Thank You.
You gave me some hope
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I don't know if this word exist where you live but in France we would say that we live in a manichean society because there is just black or white, good or bad.For some people to have just two possibilities in sexual orientation is impossible so if we add something else …
