Frustrated Trying to Bottom
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Lately I've really been wanting to try bottoming but I'm getting very frustrated. I'm not a very big (height/weight/proportions) guy, and I always somehow manage to hookup with guys who turn out to have very thick cocks. They can't fit for me to bottom like at all, because of sheer physics. I tried getting poppers and a plug to try and get used to it and be looser, but so far it isn't helping and I feel like I'm either just a failure at sex or doing something wrong. I just don't get how guys do it. Can anyone offer advice?
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Try to do cleaning for your btm 15mins before you let him in. Do have some warm-up which may help you feel high. When he starts , try to relax, give some massage for your dick that will relax u as well. It must be enjoyable activity, not stressful
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It's different for different people. . . but when starting out, it'll take some practice to learn how to relax your sphincter muscle. There are actually 2 muscles – an external one and another one that is more internal (about an inch deeper). One can exert some control over the external muscle, but it is thick and so doesn't want to naturally open so much anyway. We have much less voluntary control over the internal sphincter and takes the most effort in relaxing.
First thing is lubricant –- water or silicon based --- reduces friction and aids sliding. Next, explore with your own finger/s --- not an object/plug. Feel the sensation when you push, insert, pull open, tighten down, etc. . . ; then move it in a little deeper and do the same; and repeat. Get to know your body, the sensations and what it takes to relax it. Practice. Practice. Practice. After you get past the internal sphincter, you'll find the prostate about 2-3 inches in - a rubber-like object. Think of this as the male G-spot. Lightly massage it and you may get a surprise in how good this feels. It can cause some pre-cumming too. Do your partner a favor while you're stroking or sucking on his cock, by getting in and massaging his prostate -- doubles up on the pleasure. You can even get some guys to cum just by stroking the prostate ---- or really send them into ecstasy if you rub it while they are cumming.
A good partner will help get you ready by playing around with your ass, rather than rushing to insert. If they just go to insert, particularly without a lubricant, it's likely to just cause a beginner to clamp up tight. Perhaps try hooking up with someone that is 5-10 years older; and more likely to have some experience; as well as first hooking up with someone who is smaller or average. Work your way up. ;D
And as iman88 suggested, douching yourself with warm water, to make sure you're clean for your partner, will also help to relax the entire area as well.
Be patient and practice. . . you'll get it in no time!
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When cleaning out the "play room", never ever use soap. Only use warm water.
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anal insiders are talking :crazy2:
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I think i've tried every method under the sun to "loosen up", but nothing has ever really worked for me. If anything it feels like my sphincter muscle has gotten tighter. Even just using my fingers to play with my ass is difficult. Anal sex is very uncomfortable and frustrating for me (hurts a lot, and even burns sometimes no matter how slow or what type of lube is used), despite me really wanting it and being more of a bottom sexually. It often hurts for several days afterwards. I can only recount maybe 10 times anal has been actually pleasurable for me in the 10 years i've been sexually active.
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After having a history of unpleasant anal encounters, it's not surprising to hear relaxation is more challenging for you due to the anticipation of pain. As stated before, the more internal muscle ring is less voluntary and likely isn't going to cooperate until a solution can be found as to why all the discomfort.
I would encourage you to really evaluate the lubes you've used, especially water-based lubricants. For most people it's not a big issue and they can use just about anything, however, for a small group, it can make a huge difference. Many water-based lubricants contain Propylene Glycol, Glycerin & Paraben, which for a small minority of users actually elicits an allergic, burning irritation. In essence, it's a mild chemical burn that will last for several days. You really have to look hard to find a water-based lubricant that is free of these ingredients. In other words, they're more expensive. As an alternative, silicon-based lubricants contain 100% inert substances that the skin does not react to at all.
Sometimes this chemical burning can also happen with certain condom brands.
If one doesn't use enough lubricant and reapply periodically, this will cause too much friction and small tears in the anal wall that hurt like a paper cut.
It'll be imperative for you to figure out what was different when anal sex was pleasurable for you. Really dissect those experiences and see if you can identify something that was common between them and different from the other times.
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You really need to practice and practice and more. With small things, patience, lube and maybe even a drink or 3.
No such thing as been too tight (when it comes to anal sex anyways :p). You need to relax and past experiences like that do not help you really relax.
And definitely lube. Lots of lube.
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I would encourage you to really evaluate the lubes you've used, especially water-based lubricants.
This is excellent advise. My sub had similar problems to your own, and when we found the right lubricant, things got a lot easier. We're currently using Pjur Eros, which has made all the difference.
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Get a smaller sized dildo, carrot, cucumber (whatever) and practice. Another thing to keep in mind and please don't take this as patronizing is that not everyone is meant to bottom. We are all different in what feels good to us and what sizes we can take. I also think you need to find a top who makes sure you are ready to take him
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Sorry for the late contribution, I rarely look at the forums and just noticed your thread on the main page and was interested in helping.
I am a versatile bloke now but did not start to bottom with any veracity until I was in my 30s, well into my homosex years, so I definitely know what it's like to go through that pain of being fucked over a long period of time. My first top was about 10 inches long and thick (I am decent at just under 8 but he made me look like a little boy) and it tore me apart, a bad choice probably but he was bearded and hairy (and married) and way too hot to say no too! It felt like I needed to run away for a shit every 2 minutes… However in the years since I have managed to train myself to take nearly any size cock (certainly anything average or above average is no trouble), and it is NOT about being 'loose' or a 'whore' or any of those pathetic labels that gay guys like to use. Guys with good muscle control can be fisted one minute and tighten up around your cock the next, so 'looseness' is not the issue here. It is ALL about training your hole to do the opposite of what it has been doing for the majority of your life... i.e. pushing things out. Your sphincter's instinct from birth is to clam up as soon as anything tries to get in. It is this response that causes a good deal of the pain you're experiencing and you can train yourself not to do this.
Here are a few suggestions, some easier than others, but they are ALL within your control because it is your hole and you can do what you want with it. Please remember that the bottom ALWAYS calls the shots! It is NOT about giving your man a hole he can fuck regardless of you as a person. If you have any partners like that, give them a quick blowy and show them the door because they will not make love to you the way you want and need it at the moment, i.e. in a careful, considerate manner. Even if having your manhole used by a top is hot to you (which it is for a lot of guys) I would still avoid it until you have trained your hole up with partners you can trust, and who are interested in you getting off on it as much as in their own pleasure.
I met a very straight guy once (a sprinter) whose hole was so tight you could run your thumb over it and not even feel an opening. He was tighter than a fish and always wanted to be fucked, which was actually painful for me as a top trying to force it in! But after a few years and various partners he can take any cock he likes now. Still a very fit muscular guy with a tight cunt that he can control and contract to milk any cock inside him.
1. 'Starter' dildos or butt plugs are pretty cheap these days. You can get some very slender prostate massagers too (battery operated) which should slide in you quite easily and scratch that itch with no pain at all. Otherwise any smaller dildo will allow you to train yourself up (but only do it when you're horny and want it bad - by all means fantasise about some stud wanting to penetrate you and you 'opening up' for him, this will help your sphincter to actually dilate). Ask your mate to use one on you for a while first - remember to kiss him or suck him, work his cock and/or tits for him while he's doing it, which shouldn't be that difficult
2. Don't get fucked on your back. Try sitting on it, or doggy, or sideways (spooning). Missionary (you on your back) should be avoided because it will allow his dick to probe you in painful spots far more easily, and although it's hornier it is a more difficult position certainly to start with. In the other positions you have the control to pull off when you need to. If you are in pain you should find after 5-10 minutes that your endorphins have kicked in and numbed the spot for you, and if it's still sore when he tries to get in you again then it's time to give it a break. Don't continue if it hurts.
3. As a bottom hygiene and consideration for the top is very important but it won't help you in the sphincter-relaxation department. I would consider douching much more than 15 minutes before a fuck, about three hours if possible. This reduces the likelihood of stray water that's made its way up your gut from coming out while you're in the act which can affect the lube on the condom as well.
4. Try and get with guys who are versatile. A guy who has bottomed and still does regularly will generally be more considerate towards someone he wants to fuck.
5. Keep practising and let your partner know that it's in his best interests to go slow. The more it hurts you the shorter the fuck will be!
