Relationship Question - Looking for advice
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So I've been talking to this guy online for a while. We get along great, have similar interests, like many of the same things. In fact, we first just sort of got to be friends without even thinking about a relationship (we were both dating other people when we met), so I feel like we have this really good basis for a relationship. Well, a few months ago we both got dumped out of the blue at almost the same time. We did the friendly console each other thing, but, after a few weeks, we started talking about the possibility of us getting together. Which is great with me.
But, we've been talking a bit more about sexual stuff. He'd said before he doesn't like to bottom. Ok, I'm very versatile and like bottoming and hey, that's why god made fleshjacks, right? I can deal with this. So the other night we're talking on the phone, things got a little horny, and I said something about wanting him to pound me. There was a distinct lack of enthusiasm on his part. The mood was sort of instantly dead, and I started thinking "Ok, so he really doesn't find me attractive" and I said something to him about it.
He assured me that he does. And he tells me he's not into anal sex. At all. ??? Ok, I've heard about the mythical percentage of gay men not into anal. But in the last 15 years of talking to and hanging out with gay guys, I've never met one, not once. So then I say something about sucking each other off and he says "Really, I'd rather just focus on you. I'd rather give you pleasure and I don't matter." So now, this just seems really weird to me. I try to explain that I like having a sort of sexual equality–that's actually a major turn on for me. He's just like "Meh." So I asked him if he's never been with a guy who likes doing stuff to/with him, and he says "Not really. Besides I don't matter." Yeah, he said it again.
This got me thinking back to previous conversations about things, like when he told me "Yeah, my childhood was less than ideal"--of course at the time I thought, yeah, you were the gay kid, who's childhood wasn't less than ideal? But now I'm thinking maybe he's got some abuse/trauma in his past. Does that seem like a possibility? Or am I making too much out of this?
Also, anyone else ever dealt with a guy who wasn't into anal? Any hope of coaching him into it?
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We can't answer your question about a trauma or a abuse, because the only person who can answer this question is your friend. Me might speculate about it, but honestly, I for myself am not a great fan about speculations at all. I doubt that this will bring you any further. If you look for answers about his thoughts and about his past, the right way is talking to him.
… and yes, I do know persons who are not into anal at all, but those were mostly younger guys, or guys with only a few sexual experiences. ;D ... and no (!), I never would think about coaching someone into any sexual experience, because I don't like the idea, that he just would do it to please me. - it happens, or it doesn't. I think you should respect his limits, even if that means that you have to give up something.
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Well, I was asking to see what other people think because it's pretty awkward to just say "Hey, were you sexually abused?" Sometimes the old intuition is wrong, and getting another opinion on the facts helps sort it out. Obviously it's something that I will talk about with him at some point.
And it's not that I want him to do something sexually just to please me–it's really the opposite. If he's had few (or bad) experiences, I really just want him to open up and let me try to help him have good ones. My question about "coaching" has more to do with just asking if anyone has any experience getting someone resistant to the idea bc of bad past experiences to try it again. I'm not trying to force anyone to do something. I'm not the kind of guy who forces himself on anyone.
Sorry if my question made me come off like that.
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Perhaps I could help with some insight here ;;
it might not be just one thing holding him back, there could be 'numerous' personal reasons why he does. Even though I do, do the stuff – I find that I don't enjoy it as much as I probably should.
So personally,
When others do stuff to me, I don't really get turned on because it doesn't feel as good as how I do it to myself. Like, people whacking me off... sometimes I swear they're just shaking it side to side and not really 'tugging' so, I lose interest and get bored lol. That being said, I do get turned on doing stuff to other people.
They could have low faith in their manhood. Like, I kind of find uncut cocks gross, I don't like the look of them, don't like the texture in my mouth, etc. etc. but, I'm uncut so my cock kind of grosses me out and I don't want to submit someone else to that horror lol
Then, there's the fecal part of anal, I have to be really horny to go there, or I can't get the scat images out of my head which, turns me off.
Hopefully that helps a little bit
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That's actually sort of helpful. I guess I'm not really the kind of guy who is grossed out by stuff, so that's a motivation I hadn't thought of. He does seem to have a low self image all around. I've noticed lately how much he puts himself down, etc. It bothers me.
The rest just sounds like bad experiences, really. I'm just going to resolve to bring him good experiences and doing my best to get him to trust that 1) I respect him 2) I care about him too much to hurt him and 3) that I'm not interested in a sex slave but a true sex partner. Maybe then he'll open up his horizons with me.
Thanks.
