Coming Out Bi: A Life-Long Process

leatherbear

The Task Force Blog:

The idea of “coming out” of the proverbial closet as LGBT+ is thought to be a singular event for many – you come out to your friends, family and possibly coworkers, and that’s it, you are out. For bisexuals, however, coming out oftentimes can be a daily experience, sometimes multiple times within a 24-hour period. The irony comes with the mixed messages the bisexual community routinely receives for being out. In a New York Times piece from May 2013 on coming out in the workplace in which I was quoted, a majority of the responses to the article harkened to the idea that we shouldn’t be brandishing our bisexuality at all, that we should keep our pants on and our closet doors shut. And yet, at the same time, others tell us that bisexual invisibility is the fault of bisexuals and that if we want more visibility, we must come out and stay out.

The truth of the matter is that it can be more difficult for bisexuals to come out as opposed to gays and lesbians. According to a PEW Research Center study surveying LGBT Americans, bisexuals have a lower rate of coming out to family and friends than gays and lesbians (28% v. 77% and 71% respectively), which might correlate with the fact that we have to constantly continue to come out to everyone we meet. We experience this in our individual lives and see it in the public lives of bisexual celebrities as well – just look at actress Evan Rachel Wood who has had to affirm and reaffirm her bisexuality since she is married to a man. Unlike a lesbian who can introduce her significant other and be rightly identified as a lesbian, for instance, our significant others do not necessarily proclaim our bisexuality unless we are dating people of multiple genders at the same time. For those of us who are single or in monogamous relationships, if we want our bisexual identity to be known, we must verbalize it to everyone we meet. Without verbalizing our bisexuality, we are invisible as bisexuals.

Read the whole story at The Task Force Blog : http://thetaskforceblog.org/2013/09/23/coming-out-bi-a-life-long-process/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/23/coming-out-as-bi-lifelong-process_n_3976596.html

Ononoke

I agree with this wholeheartedly… in fact, I'm one who has been struggling to 'come out' because I know the reactions from my family or friends would likely be "That means you can still marry a woman right? Thank God. Please don't make a mistake okay". Several days ago, I suddenly had this urge to just come out to my mother, so that she won't be surprised if I suddenly meet someone special who is in fact another guy. However I ended up contemplating about it, upon thinking... should I just do that when I DO end up getting a boyfriend instead? I mean why should I say it if in the end I will be married to a special person who is in fact a woman after all. So I decided to put it on hold for a while until I get the best reason to do it... but yeah, I guess being a bisexual is more 'confusing' (lost at words/vocab there)... $:-\$

omnimodis78

I don't know if I agree that it's harder for a bisexual to come out versus a a homosexual - although I never had to "come out" as a bisexual, I did have to settle the score with those in my life about me being gay as opposed to being bi, for the simple fact that I dated a girl for 5 years and by all outwardly appearances it was a picture-perfect relationship - so it was confusing to those around me who never suspected that I could be gay, and here I was announcing that I am gay. I recall one specific conversation with a friend who was satisfied with my decision to come out, but still thought that maybe I was just experimenting. He explained that it wasn't the idea of me being gay that he found odd, but rather that he always saw me as the most sexually and emotionally comfortable sort of a man, and so why would I settle for a girl if I was completely not into girls. It took a few conversations to explain (and I think he really did get it by the end) that it wasn't a matter of how I behaved or what I did (i.e. be with a girl), but rather how I wished I could have behaved or what I really wished to do (i.e. be with a man) So, essentially, I think that it's harder for those who are gay but by definition are viewed by others as bi (or potentially bi) because we have to almost justify our emotions and instincts. I think if I'd have said "hey guys, I'm bi" people in my life would have agreed and understood, but telling people that I am 100% gay, that just confused them. Does any of this make sense? :crazy2:

blagoevgrad9

Interesting

2222

Now that's a problem. Being in the middle always clash with both sides. So, no wonder that "bi" people found it much harder to come out than lesbians or gays. I think it's more confusing, if someone came as "bi". "What the hell that's mean?"

I'm sorry to everyone that "bi" here, no mean offense, but I never believe in "bi" term. Its a trick boundaries. But, I guess everybody have every same rights to chose side, which fine. :hug:

machaoxxx

its so hard.

jmwood73

With the caveat that I don't know many people who are bi - I would imagine that many people find the spectrum of sexuality harder to understand than a binary straight/gay one. Coming out as bi I could imagine that there then will follow a number of follow-up questions about where someone lies on that spectrum, their experiences and so on.

If you are just looking to briefly mention it to someone rather than have a very in-depth conversation about it then I would think it would potentially be a bit frustrating.

NickGWM

I can see one aspect of being bi that would probably be more complicated. I believe we are all still coming out all the time in some respects because what we're coming out of is their "shadow" of expectations of being like them. As a gay man, when I tell a straight man my sexuality, I often get the sense and even the question, "but you're not hitting on me or into me right?" Basically I find that all straight men seem to assume their instantly attractive to all gay men. If this happens to bi's then they would get it from men and women… and that would likely be even more annoying...