Posts made by wesleyrayne

Q: What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?

A: Its ass.

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people? You know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

I've got a wedding I've got to go to next week, and I was trying to lose six pounds by the weekend. I don't think I'm going to do it, so I'm going to get my back waxed, and then, I'll only have to lose two.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?

A: Her ears flap.

Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s?

A: Even the guys' penises have sideburns.

Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

A: Kids don't eat broccoli.

Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

Birdie, birdie, in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl, I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep – not screaming like the passengers in his car. :cheers:

Q: How do you make a baby drink?

A: Stick it in the blender.

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?

A: Walnuts.

Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?

A: Chestnuts.

Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?

A: A penis in your mouth.

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice – except they won't let you fart."

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A: A mechanic!

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

The injured man repies, "But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.

The injured man responds, "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful – slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to masturbate!''''

''''But......'''' stammers the driver.

''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy kill yu!''''

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long.

''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!''''

So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander.

''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to kill me!'''' whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''

Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?

A: It runs in your genes.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

A: Men usually miss them.

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 30-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 – that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."