Little Teddy Crud and the Dildo Crusade
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There is great hilarity from the beloved Molly Ivins that you should go watch right now.
That's a video of how Little Teddy Crud started out in politics after a freak timing accident got the Canadian-born power-seeker elected as the state's attorney general, and from there he rose to be, by a ridiculously tiny number of teabagger voters, to become the most loathed member of the US Senate that even historians are able to document.
The Ivins commentary is an excerpt from "Dildo Diaries," a documentary not on this site (alas). But you can read about it and buy it: http://www.dildodiaries.net/
You see, as TXass Attorney General, the prude sued the federal government claiming that fapping, jacking off, self-abuse (now called self-pleasuring) was not a legal right. "Bashing the bishop" is a religious offense…. His old college roommate popped up to say that sure wasn't the bastard's position when they lived together....
Ivins summarizes the absurdity brilliantly, and even more diverting details of the law can be enjoyed here:
http://wonkette.com/600641/here-is-your-deep-dive-into-the-ted-cruz-dildo-brief
"Ted is pretty sure that if you want to touch a dildo, you also probably want to touch your sister. We’ve also been kind enough to provide you a list of things you can masturbate with once Teddy Boy takes away your god-given right to buy a Fleshlight."
On Twitter, Craig Mazin, explained, "Ted Cruz thinks people don't have a right to 'stimulate their genitals.' I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his." Also, "Ted Cruz did not have a dildo stashed under his pillow. Ted Cruz slept on top of his pillow."
A barrage of remarks followed, with much speculation about the righteous horndog and his relation to Mr. Fluffy, his pillow, possibly as a result of his dad, a professional god-bothering, chastising his son for wasting millions of potential Christians. And why does he keep showing his palms in public if he's not quietly showing that he always keeps them freshly shaved?
Snappy snark on the topic included:
"If God didn't want you to masterbate, he'd have made your arms shorter."
"So Ted must have stimulated himself for medical purposes - stroking his ego."
"Holy crap! This legislator wants use of sex toys to be a felony?!
Three strokes and you're out!"That latter is a baseball reference, but sports is not the dude's strong suit. did you notice when he was in Indiana talking about the "basketball ring"? Indiana was where basketball was invented and no one has EVER called the basketball hoop a "ring." During his recent widely praised standup gig, President Obama wondered what else Ted had in his dictionary. Baseball "sticks"? Football "hats"?
Perhaps it is not surprising that someone who has made a career trying to thwart government and keep it out of the lives of some people (but not women, of course), also thinks states should be able to block interracial marriage. Talk about looking forward!
http://crooksandliars.com/2016/04/ted-cruz-states-ought-be-able-ban
Senior US Senator from TXass (there are two from each state, regardless of size or population) John Cornyn, also a Republic*nt, says the bastard only got into office so he could run for president. Anyway, as of this week, the long-time Canadian citizen is officially a self-confessed loser who has dropped out.
Perhaps the "anybody but Trump" movement will let Crud head up a third-party ticket, but meanwhile, it's always time to laugh contemptuously at the most vicious rightwing ideologue to run for president in over half a century. He and his megachurch daddy both said the one, true god told them that the universally hated senator was His divine choice, which means either there is no god or this dude really hates Cruz as much as the rest of us.
Then again, it might mean that the Cuban exile and his emigrant son simply misunderstood the message from on high, which means they may be wrong about other things as well, right? For example, in a desperate desperate death spasm, Crud leaped onto the anti-LGBT bathroom panic (created out of whole cloth by Republic*nts, who else?).
And then the Federal government told North Carolina, which went from zero to signed law in less than 12 hours, that the state's bigotry and hatred violated the US Constitution and will cost that former Confederate state more than a billion bucks in federal moneys– pretty narrow escape for a presidential candidate who seems to be on the wrong side of the law again.
If there has been any pillow abuse going on lately, what we are left with now is the disturbing daughter letch, who obsesses over the size of his tiny fingers (or what he thinks that implies-- because nothing qualifies a politician more that how much of a dick he is). This talking yam holds rallies instead of policy positions, but for at least the next few months, will be the Klan-backed racist, anti-Semitic warmonger who is the face of a once great American political party.
What could go wrong?