Some of my favorite jokes
Joe: Did you know condoms had serial numbers?
Moe: No, really?
Joe: I guess you haven't had them rolled out far enough or you would know!
These two guys are at a bar in downtown Manhattan, which is located at the top of a skyscraper. The big guy says to the smaller guy: "you know, the wind at the top of these buildings is so strong; watch this:" And the big guy jumps out the window, but the wind pushes him back in. The smaller guy is really impressed and he says "let me see that again." So the big guy jumps out the window and the wind again pushes him back in. The big guy says to the smaller guy "you want to try it?" The smaller guy is a bit drunk, he says "sure", jumps out the window and goes SPLAT on the sidewalk. The bartender says to the big guy "You sure are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman!"
A guy goes in to the patent office and he says to the clerk, "I have something I'd like to patent." He pulls an item out of his pocket and he says "This is a folding bottle and I call it a 'fottle'." The clerk says "that's kinda lame, do you have anything else?" The man says "yeah," pulls something out of his other pocket and says "this is folding carton, I call it a 'farton'." The clerk says that is a bit obscene, can't patent that, does he have anything else? Yes, says the inventor, but I don't really think you'll want to hear about my folding bucket….....!
Two boys are on summer vacation and they get bored and go for a long walk. They tire out and sit on the curb across the street from a swanky apartment building. After a short time they notice fairly well dressed men approach the building, open their wallets and pull out $100 bills. After about 15 minutes or so, the same men exit the building. The one boy says to the other "We gotta find out what's going on over there." So they enter the building and ask the madam what's up. She asks them if they have any money. The boys have 35 cents between them. "I think I can help you," she says "come upstairs." The enter a room, there's a hooker on the bed, naked and the madam says to her "spread 'em." The takes one boy by the hair, puts his face in her snatch for a couple seconds, removes it and does the same for the other boy. "well," she says, "that about does it for 35 cents." The boys exit the building, sit back on the curb for a long time without speaking. Finally one boy says "I don't know about you, but I think $100 worth of that would've killed me!"
Four guys are playing golf on a weeknight, one pair of straight guys and one pair of Gay married guys. It is getting dark and the Gay guys are playing first; everyone has to get up for work in the morning and the straight guys are getting impatient. The Gay guys fuss and fume over each stroke they make etc. and are just taking a really long time. One of the straight guys plays out of turn and the golf ball hits one of the Gay guys on the head, knocking him out. "Oh you've really hurt him" wails the other Gay guy, "I'm going to sue you, I'm going to see that you're in jail, etc. etc. etc." The straight guy says "I'll suck your faggot dick before you get one single penny out of me!" The concious Gay guy leans over the one laying on the ground and says "Wake up honey, he wants to settle out of court!"
This guy goes in to see the doctor and (speak in a high falsetto voice) he says "doctor, I'm 28 years old, my voice never got lower at puberty, can you help me?" The doctor examines the patient thoroughly and asks him to drop his drawers. The patient's cock flops down below his knees! "I see what the problem is," says the doctor, "your dick is so big, it's taking all the male hormones and there are none left to lower your voice. We'll need to take about 4 inches off." (again, speak in high voice for the patient) "Are you sure doctor?" "Oh yes, " the doctor said, "my colleague had a very similar case about 5 years ago." So the patient agrees to the surgery. Several days later, he awakes from the anesthesia in his hospital bed, the doctor comes in. The patient (speak in as deep a voice as you can muster) says "well, doc, everything seems to be working okay, I really like my deep voice, but, you know, I was thinking I might have made a mistake. Can I get that 4 inches added back?" Doctor says (speak in high falsetto voice) "I don't think so!"
(in case you don't get this: the doctor added the four inches to himself)
leatherbear last edited by
Your collection is awesome, each one makes me lmao ;D
Bill: What is 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
Phil: George W. Bush's tie!
Superman was flying around Metropolis one day and noticed Wonderwoman sunning herself nude on top of one of the skyscrapers. He decided he would swoop in at lightning speed and "get some." After he was finished, he asked her how it was? "Okay, I guess, but I don't think the Invisible Man will walk for a week!"
How do you tell the difference between Snowmen & Snowwomen? Snowballs!
Q: Three gay men leave San Francisco on a road trip to New Orleans heading southeast at 60 miles per hour. At the same time, three lesbians leave New Orleans on a road trip to San Francisco heading northwest at 60 miles per hour. Which group will reach their destination first?
A: The gay men. … Why? Because they've already got their shit packed.
A man and woman are asleep in bed, when their house in broken into, The thief ties both spouses to a chair. He goes to rummage through their house. The husband whispers to the wife "he said he just got out of a long prison stint when he was tying me up. I don't want to get killed, so if he wants sex, do whatever he wants."
"I'm glad you feel that way, dear," says the wife "because when he was tying me up, he said you had a really cute ass!"
Fred: Who is the most popular guy at the office?
Ned: The guy who can carry a dozen doughnuts AND a pot of coffee in each hand!
Dan: How do you make a Gay decorator scream twice?
Stan: Fuck him hard and then wipe your dick on his curtains!
From the sick joke department:
The lawyer, the priest and the social worker are on the Titanic. The social worker is going around yelling "save the children, save the children...." The lawyer says "fuck the children" and the priest says "do you think we have time?"
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn’t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of his dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.
These two Gay guys decided they wanted a child, but they really wanted it to be theirs, look like them, etc. so they jacked off into a cup and commissioned a surrogate. When the time came, they visited the hospital nursery to see their newborn son. They bragged to the nurse how well behaved and quiet their son was compared to all the other babies. "That's true he's not fussing now," said the nurse, "but you should see him throw a tantrum when we take the pacifier out of his ass!"
Joe: Did you know 5% of men are born Gay?
Moe: Yeah, and the other 5% are sucked into it!
Each one are great! I personally love the superman one the most, it made me read twice ;D
leatherbear last edited by