Alcohol Jokes

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Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand! Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke! Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?" Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A: "Please, no stories!" Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world! Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit! Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: "A beer please, and one for the road." Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A: Nothing. Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex! Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game! Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table! Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light? A: He's the one dancing like an asshole! Q: How do you know a man is really really gay? A: When he's nursing a Bacardi Breezer! Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels. Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one. Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking? A: He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay! Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light! Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat? A: They are both SO close to water! Q: What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone? A: Al-cohol you Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common? A: Their both empty from the neck up! Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere! Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense! Q: Where do monkeys go to drink? A: The monkey bars! Q: Why don’t Democrats drink? A: It interferes with their suffering! Q: What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka? A: a "Pabst Smir!" Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: How do you know when you really pissed off your Bartender? A: She leaves the string in the Bloody Mary! Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey? A: Because it makes him mean! Q: What does an alcoholic ghost drink? A: BOO'S Q: What do you call a man with a shot of whiskey on his head? A: A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance. A bee goes into a bar, It comes out 2 hours later buzzing Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer." Mayan: Hey wanna drink? Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough. Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves. Life and beer are very similar …..chill for best results. I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic? I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man. I'm not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties. Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people. My body is not a temple.....it’s a distillery with legs. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk? You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast Take me drunk I’m home. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt! Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it? Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question. A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror. "Relationship" has 12 letters but then again so does "Time For Shots" Confucious says, "Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night". What doesn't kill me, makes my drinks stronger Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties. Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don't want to lower the bar. Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution. I don't have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems. Two midgets walk into a mini-bar. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol. You lost me at "non-alcoholic" I'm a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover. Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy alcohol. I'm in a commited relationship with Jim Beam. I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. An alcoholic hits his woman, a stoner hits it with his woman. I’m not alcoholic, I only drink twice a year. When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic?" A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs, The guy ask "Do they swell?" The girl replies "No they spread"