Single gay man and his mum who gave birth to his surrogate son
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I don't care what people think. My baby's loved, I'm happy and nothing else matters: Single gay man and his mum who gave birth to his surrogate son insist they've done nothing wrong
Like any besotted grandmother, Anne-Marie Casson can barely conceal her glee as she bounces her eight-month-old grandson Miles on her knee.
As her 27-year-old son Kyle — the baby's father — fetches drinks from the kitchen of his two- bedroom flat in Doncaster, Anne-Marie is practically clucking over the cute blond-haired toddler.
After a few moments, little Miles grizzles but the 46-year-old healthcare worker barely flinches. Placing him horizontally in her arms, she snuggles him into the warmth of her chest and rocks him to sleep.
Daddy doesn't get a look-in. But then, if anyone has the right to be a hands-on granny it's Anne-Marie.
For in a case that has divided opinion across Britain and led to questions about the robustness of our fertility laws, the married mother-of-three is not only Miles's grandmother, but also the woman who gave birth to him.
On face value, it's a story to make anyone recoil. But Anne-Marie simply carried the child. Using a donor egg fertilised by Kyle's sperm, she became the first woman in the UK to be a surrogate for her own son.
The arrangement emerged only last week when a High Court judge ruled that Kyle could now adopt Miles. The paperwork arrived on Saturday, meaning that although Kyle was classed as both the baby's father and brother when he was born, that is no longer the case. Today he is simply the baby's father.
Kyle says: 'I've never thought of him as my brother. None of us have. But when he was born, legally he was my brother. Just as legally, he was my mother's son.
'That's no longer the case. My mum and dad's names are no longer on the birth certificate. I am the only name on the birth certificate, meaning that I am now his legal father as well as his biological father.' The mother is listed as unknown.The whole scenario may make many people uncomfortable. Indeed, critics have called it 'dubious' and questioned the ethics and morality of the situation. The family no longer speak to one friend who asserted that 'granny' would be too interfering if they went ahead.
'I know that some people won't understand it and are against what we've done but as far as I see, as long as someone can provide for a child then they have every right to a child,' says Kyle. 'Apart from that one friend — whom I no longer speak to — everyone else has been really supportive.'No one has the right to deny someone that opportunity. We are supposed to live in a world with equal opportunities, but single people are discriminated against. The law says that having a child is too much of an undertaking for a single person to take on. But I've proved that wrong.
'I don't care what people think — they can keep their opinions. He is cared for. He is loved. I paid for it all myself with a little help from my parents at the end, and that's all that matters.'
His mum agrees wholeheartedly. 'Why should my son be denied the chance to be a father if he can provide a loving home?' she asks. Despite the controversy, Anne-Marie couldn't be more delighted.
'I've loved being a mother,' she says. 'Every day is precious and it goes so quickly. I was once a single mum to three boys under five and if I watch videos of my own three boys when they were so little, I think: 'I wish I could turn the clock back.'
'Some grandparents are like: 'I've had my own children and I've brought them up and that's it, I've got my own life now.' But I always said that whenever my children had their own kids I'd help out as much as possible. I suppose this is like my second chance.'
Doting: Anne-Marie is happy to be grandmother
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Doting: Anne-Marie is happy to be grandmother
Meanwhile, Kyle is content to allow granny a leading role in his son's upbringing. After all, when he returns to work at a supermarket next month it will be Anne-Marie and her husband Alan who will take care of little Miles every day.
'Of course I'll be interfering,' says Anne-Marie, who split with Kyle's father when he was five and later married Alan, who adopted Kyle and his younger twin brothers. 'I only live six miles away and can be here he needs me. The other week, when Miles was sick, Kyle called me and I came here and there was sick everywhere. Kyle had left it for me to clean up.
'I give him advice about sleeping and feeding, but that's all it is, advice. Miles is the first grandchild in the family and we're all besotted. I'm thrilled my son can finally experience what it's like to be a father.'
Kyle, who came out as gay to his parents when he was 19, says he always wanted children. His decision to undertake this unconventional route at such a relatively young age was, he says, based on ensuring his child would enjoy a close relationship with its grandparents.'If I left it until I was 40 I'd not only be an old dad but it would also mean my mum would be in her 60s, and I didn't want my child to grow up without his grandparents,' he says.
He started investigating the possibility of having a child when he was 24. Turned down by several surrogacy clinics on the grounds that he was single, he also looked into adoption but rejected it after deciding that he wanted his own biological offspring.
'Adoption is an amazing thing to do but why should I 'settle' for adoption when I could have my own child,' he says. 'I wanted a child that was part of 'me' and besides, anyone else can have their own child so why not me? I think everyone has a right to a child. If you can afford a child and bring it up in a loving home then why not?'
Anne-Marie and Kyle admit that their family is 'closer than most'. Even before her involvement as a surrogate, she attended most appointments at the Care fertility clinic in Sheffield to support her son.
'We went to the first appointment together in February 2013 and if my mum didn't come with me, my dad did, just to support me,' says Kyle.
It was during one of these appointments that Anne-Marie says the idea of her becoming a surrogate was first planted. 'The doctor, Mr Shaker, told us that he'd done this for a couple of families where the mother had had a baby for her own daughter,' says Anne-Marie. 'Although he'd never done it for a single person he said he preferred surrogacy arrangements where the surrogate was related to the parents because there was less chance of something going wrong at the adoption stage.
'When he said that, I got the strongest feeling he was looking at me as if to say: 'You could do it.'
Kyle adds: 'I'd already asked another female relative who had had children and who had said yes.
'But when she was checked out by her GP,it turned out she had gynaecological problems and he advised her not to go through with another pregnancy. I thought that was that.' -
His mother, however, had other ideas. 'When that fell through, I thought about it and discussed it with my husband. He was worried about my health and was scared of something going wrong because you read of older women dying in pregnancy.
'We mulled it over for a few days and agreed that if it gave Kyle the chance to have his own child, it was worth trying.'
At first, Kyle says he was unsure. 'I thought Mum was too old,' he says bluntly. 'I was worried that if something happened to her, I'd always blame myself. But the advantage of having a surrogate who you know and trust means there are fewer risks when it comes to adoption. If you have a baby with a surrogate stranger you don't know if she will end up keeping the baby because legally, she's the mother and she has that right.'
Once the decision had been made, Kyle had to tell the clinic what he was looking for from an egg donor.
'You can choose everything from skin tone to IQ levels to whether they're fat or thin, but I didn't want to be that specific because it felt too much like I was choosing a designer child,' he says. 'I just said I wanted someone with brown hair and green eyes like me so the child would resemble me.'
The cost of the procedure — around £14,000 — was made up entirely through savings, with a little help from Anne-Marie and Alan. 'I went for 12 months without a holiday to save up enough holiday time and money,' says Kyle. 'I didn't use any benefits and have worked and saved since I was 16. Mum and Dad helped me out a little, but otherwise it was all my savings.'
Mother and son attended the implantation appointment and Kyle watched on screen as the one healthy embryo was implanted.
'I'm not usually an emotional person but I cried all the way through this,' he admits. 'I thought because of Mum's age it wasn't going to work and I was gutted.' -
Anne-Marie thought otherwise. 'The implantation wasn't painful and I was pretty sure I was pregnant straight away,' she says. 'I sat in the back seat of the car on the way home with my legs up just to make sure. When I began to get cramps that night in bed, which I took to be implantation cramps — and a good sign — I just knew it had worked.
'I found it easy to detach myself, I really did. I really felt like it was babysitting. I kept thinking: 'This is not my baby but it is my grandchild, so I have to take extra special care.'
However, the first stages of the pregnancy did not go smoothly when Anne-Marie suffered two major bleeds at weeks six and seven. Suddenly it wasn't quite so easy to be 'detached'.
'We were convinced it was over,' she says. -
Kyle adds: 'We'd just driven over to see one of my brothers in Huddersfield and when Mum got out of the car, she suddenly felt a gush of blood and knew something was wrong.
'I was in an absolute panic, not only about the baby but about Mum. I didn't want her to haemorrhage, so I rang the clinic straight away and they said it sounded like she was losing the baby but there was nothing they could do. We were both in bits.
'I couldn't believe that we had used the only healthy embryo and it had worked and suddenly we were miscarrying. And I knew that if Mum lost the baby she would blame herself.
'I wouldn't have blamed her — it wasn't her fault — but she just cried because she knew how much I wanted this baby. But at the scan two days later to find out what had happened, they detected a heartbeat. We were thrilled.'
But fearing negative reactions, the family kept the pregnancy under wraps. 'If you don't know our full story your first reaction might be to go 'Urgh', and we wanted to avoid having to explain it all the time,' says Kyle. 'We got a few funny stares at the hospital appointments because I think some people thought I was her 'toy-boy'.'
Anne-Marie laughs. 'I made sure I wore baggy clothes throughout because I didn't want to have to explain to people. Even at eight months people didn't suspect. My cousin visited and knew Kyle was having a baby by a surrogate and asked how it was going. I said it was going fine. She had no idea.' -
The birth, an elective C-section on the NHS, took place last July, with Kyle right by his mother's side in the operating theatre.
'The consultant warned me about the dangers of a C-section and wanted me to have a natural birth, but I said no,' says Anne-Marie. 'I really didn't want to push this baby out because I felt it wasn't mine.'
Kyle adds: 'I think Mum found it easier to think of it as a 'medical procedure' rather than 'giving birth', and besides, I didn't want to hear my mum screaming in agony and there are some things I shouldn't see.'
As little Miles was born, he was passed straight to his father.
'He came out quickly. I got a good view of him but all Mum could see was his bottom,' says Kyle. 'I cut the cord and they handed me to him and I put him straight on my chest for skin-to-skin contact. It's a moment I find really hard to describe, but I was so relieved. He cried and I cried.
'It felt right and I thought: 'Finally, after all the stress and upset, he's here and he's mine and he can come and live with me.' '
'I knew Mum had the legal right to take him if she wanted — and the hospital wouldn't allow me to take him home on my own as it was against their policy.
'But I took care of him from the moment he was born. I stayed at the hospital and fed and changed Miles like any new parents would have done. Mum's job was done and she could simply lie back and recuperate.
'I took him home three days later and then it was just the two of us. He had reflux for a few weeks and I'll be honest, I didn't enjoy the little baby phase very much, but at six weeks he was sleeping through and I put that down to his good night-time routine.
'We have last feed at 6pm, then a bath and cuddles and then he's asleep by 8pm. He's a really good baby.'Anne-Marie is adamant there was no motherly yearning to hold her newborn. 'It was lovely to see him being passed over to Kyle and I was very relieved,' she says.
'It felt like I'd done my bit. Kyle had a baby and stayed with me at the hospital with Miles as I recovered. Thankfully my milk didn't come in for a week and soon subsided as Kyle fed Miles with formula.'
When it came to signing the birth certificate, Anne-Marie was reluctant. 'It didn't feel right,' she says. 'Miles isn't my baby but by law we had to sign it and Kyle was worried we'd get into trouble if we didn't.'
Today, Miles lives in his father's tidy two-bedroom flat. The only evidence of a baby is the beautiful pure white cot in the nursery, over which hang a few coloured bunting flags. A huge smiling picture of Miles dominates the living room and TV show Mr Tumble is on the flat screen television.
Next month Kyle will return to work, dropping off baby Miles with his grandparents in the morning before picking him up at the end of the day when his mum will then go to her own job. Won't she be exhausted?
'You just get on with it, don't you?' she says matter-of-factly. 'My parents did that for me when Kyle and his brothers were little and I'll never forget that family support. It's lovely to do that for my own grandchildren.' -
As for Kyle, he feels it's time to return to work.
'If you'd asked me that a month ago I'd have said: 'No, I'm not ready to go back, I'm going to miss him too much.' But he's crawling now and he's feeding properly so I don't think I'm going to miss too many milestones. It's time to go back.'
Kyle believes Miles will be an only child. 'I'd have liked more children, but I don't want to push my luck and I'm not greedy,' he says.
'A lot of people think he is disadvantaged because he has only one parent. And, although I grew up with siblings, I don't think he'll miss having brothers or sisters. We're always having playdates with friends.'
He says he would love a long-term relationship in the future but has to put his son's needs first. 'Lots of gay people don't want children and so I'd need to find someone that does,' he says. 'But to be honest, I've always been independent and I'm happy just being me and Miles for a few years.
'Maybe I'll meet someone when I'm 50 and on holiday. Or maybe I'll meet someone through work? Who knows? I'm not in any hurry. I'm happy as I am.'
As for his biological mother, legally Miles will be able to discover who she is when he turns 18. Both Kyle and Anne-Marie say they will encourage him if that's what he decides.
'I hope he does ask,' says Anne-Marie. 'I want to give her the biggest hug because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have him.'
And with that, she looks down at her sleeping grandson in her arms and squeezes him tightly. -
It's a bit strange, but I see nothing wrong with it.
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I agree. While this wouldn't be my first (or second) choice, I do think this could work.
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That's really unusual, but if they did it, then they agreed with all the pros and cons. So, I think its fine.
