Corporate Policy on why you do not need a raise in salary!!!!
leatherbear last edited by
New Corporate Policy
-You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
-If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays and Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy.
-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
-Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Pass this on to all who are employed.
OMG, I was choked by the bathroom break policy, haha